Sunday, 23 October 2016

The Assassination of Roman Emperor Domitian

The Assassination of Roman Emperor Domitian
 
On This Day In History in 96 (a real year, even if it looks wrong when you write it down), the Roman Emperor Domitian was assassinated.
 
Some would say he had it coming to him, considering 15 years before, Domitian had murdered his own brother, Titus, to take his place as Emperor of Rome.
 
Domitian had killed his brother with a poison which created an uncomfortable feeling in Titus' bottom. Basically it was no longer a Titus. In fact, it was quite pliable. And erupted like a sticky brown volcano. Having blown off his Titus, Emperor Titus died shortly after.
 
Emperor Domitian was killed by a former slave called Maximus (not Russell Crowe) and a steward called Stephanus in a conspiracy led by a guy called Parthenius, who was Domitian's chamberlain.
 
There were a lot more people involved, but let's be honest, like me, you probably skip over the names that are hard to pronounce.
 
It's thought that Domitian's Praetorian Guard were involved. And possibly Domitian's wife. And Donald Trump. The emails linking Hilary Clinton to the conspiracy have been deleted, so there is no way of knowing for sure if she had anything to do with it.
 
Stephanus had pretended to be injured so as to conceal a dagger beneath his bandages. Not the smartest bloke, the feigned injury was to his groin. Women kept asking, "Is that a dagger down your pants or are you just pleased to see me?"
 
When he entered the Emperor's presence with his bandaged woodland area, Domitian asked, "Are you pleased to see me or have you concealed a dagger down you pants with the intention of assassinating me?"
 
Stepanus remembered he had forgotten the dagger and had no choice but to tell the truth. He lowered his head and whispered, "I dreamt about your nipples last night."
 
He then bolted. And after that, left the room.
 
Stephanus returned the next day, this time with a bandaged arm. He had concealed the dagger beneath those bandages, along with his friend, Maximus, who was not Russell Crowe. After a bit of chit chat, where Domitian revealed he loved Donald Trump, Stephanus and Maximus stabbed Emperor Domitian to death.
 
Give the Emperor his due, he did fight back and there was quite a struggle. He managed to stab  Stephanus and he died soon after Domitian.

No comments: