Thursday, 27 February 2014

Facts about bees

It was a nice day today. Well, the sun was out and the gale force winds had subsided, which is all you can ask for around these parts. I was out in the back garden, let's say, erm, getting some fresh air, between the puffs of toxic fumes that seemed to appear in front of my face at random intervals.

So, just relaxing when ... a huge, ginormous, extremely large, massive mutant bumblebee attacked me. It lunged for my face. I backed away. It lunged again. I ducked to the side. It swiped my neck and circled for another pass. This bee was serious. It wanted me dead. I had to get away. Run! Run as fast as I could to the safety of the house. The bee soared into the sky. It was coming around for another pass. It passed in front of the sun. The entire garden went dark. That bumblebee was massive. Think Godzilla with wings and an annoying buzzing sound that gets worse the more you hear it. Kinda like Miley Cyrus.

The bee roared. The ground shook. It reached its apex, turned, and dived for the Earth. It was coming right for me. I had about four seconds, maybe five before I was a gonna. I had to make my move. Move! For crying out loud, legs. Move! I command you. Three seconds left. My legs twinged. The muscles tensed. Two seconds left. Run! You have to run. Run now, as fast as you can. One second left. I bolted for the door. Luckily I was only one step away. I closed it and gave the bumblebee the bird. Wow, that was close.

Bees are like velociraptors: angry, vicious, dangerous killing machines. They are smart, relentless and co-ordinated and are out in force today. They're coming to get you.

Friday, 14 February 2014

Valentine's Day

On this day: In 1477 Margery Brews sent the oldest know Valentine's message to her fiancé, John Paston

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

Roses are red.
Violets are not.
That is all.

Saturday, 1 February 2014

One for the Shark

Thought it was about time I updated my blog. And today's post is about a writing contest I entered on Janet Reid's blog last week. Or the week before. Not really sure, as I seem to have lost track of days. Find Janet's blog here: and if you don't all ready follow her, then you should. She is an awesome agent and gives out brilliant advice.

Anyways, the contest was simple, write a 100 word story which included a lost phone. Yep, very simple. Below is the entry I submitted, and I even got a special mention from Sharky. The second time that's happened, so it made me very happy.

He was dead. Jack tensed every muscle in his body and waited for the impact. The black bonnet of the car hurtled towards him, a blur against the intense sun behind. Tyres screeched. People screamed from the pavement. A smell of burnt rubber filled the air.

"You’re mine, Jack." A voice cut through the chaos. Not from the onlookers watching in horror, but from the phone held against his ear. "All mine."

He shouldn’t have picked up the abandoned phone. A rookie mistake. She’d planted it there for him to find.

“This’ll teach you not to follow me on twitter.”