Monday, 26 January 2015

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water.
But Jack didn't know that Jill was a cannibal.
And belonged to a cult of cannibals.
And they all wanted to chop him up and eat him.
And she had led him to his slaughter.

Sunday, 25 January 2015

5 Facts You May Not Know About Babies

1. They poop. Yes, they do. In fact, they poop a lot. And it's nasty and slimy and smelly and, if you suspect your baby has just pooped, get the hell out of there. Dump the baby on your partner and run to the shops for something. Anything. Just get the hell out of there. Fast!

2. They pee. Oh, yes, they pee, a lot. On average, they pee every 20 minutes. And boys can time their peeing to the exact moment you remove their nappy/diaper to check if they have peed yet. Then pee right in your face.

3. They cry. Sometimes it's for something serious, such as being hungry, because most people cry when they're hungry and there's no food. It's perfectly normal. It is, right? It's not just me? Other times, they cry because they need a burp. Some babies can actually recite the entire alphabet with a burp.

4. They have no kneecaps for the first six months. It's just cartilage that looks like them.

5. Oh, my goodness, look how cute and squidgy they are. Hello, little baby, Goo-Goo Ga-Ga. Peek-A-Boo. Waa-Woo Waa-Woo. Arooooga. Yep, babies think you're nuts when you do that.

Saturday, 24 January 2015

10 Facts You May Not Know About Winston Churchill

1. He was born into the Duke of Marlborough family, and actually born in a bedroom in Blenheim Palace, Oxfordshire (well worth a visit if you're ever in the area

2. He was the last non-royal to be granted a State Funeral.

3. He was the first person to be awarded Honorary Citizen of the United States of America. President John F. Kennedy awarded it to him after being authorized to do so by an Act of Congress. He is one of only two people to have it awarded to them within their lifetime (the other was Mother Teresa).

4. He predicted he would die on the same day as his father. And he did: Winston Churchill died on 24th January 1965 (aged 90), and his father, Lord Randolph Churchill, died the same day in 1895 (aged 45).

5. He is also part of the Spencer family. His full name is Sir Winston Leonard Spencer-Churchill. 

6. Princess Diana, the Princess of Wales (Spencer is her maiden name) is his 7th cousin. And, guess what? Winston Churchill's first daughter was called Diana.

7. Queen Elizabeth II offered to create Winston Churchill the Duke of London, but he turned it down. His son, Randolph objected, as it meant he would inherit the peerage upon his father's death. This would mean he couldn't sit as an MP in the House of Commons.

8. Winston Churchill was the last non-royal to be offered a Dukedom. The latest person to be created a Duke was Prince William, eldest son of Prince Charles, upon his marriage to Kate Middleton. He was created the Duke of Cambridge, a vacant Dukedom that goes back hundreds of years. Winston Churchill's Duke of London would have been a new Dukedom, created especially for him.

9. The man who led Britain in a time of war, was not the man to lead Britain in a time of peace. Or, so it would seem. Winston Churchill lost the General Election in 1945, soon after winning the war. He would spend the next six years as Leader of the Opposition to a Labour Government.

10. He also lost the 1950 General Election, but stood firm as Leader of the Opposition, refusing to resign. But, as luck would have it, Labour didn't have the majority they wanted, so they called another General Election the following year, expecting a victory, but they lost. And Winston Churchill was back as Prime Minister.

Monday, 5 January 2015

This Week in #OnThisDay and Randomness

Thought I would post a regular (as in every week) round-up of the #OnThisDay tweets I post on twitter.

The #OnThisDayThisWeek (that's not a real hashtag) will have a bit more to them, as I can use more than 140 characters.

I may also post a bit of added randomness, too.

Such as odd facts like this: Sea Lions run and swim faster than humans. So, if you're in a Triathlon with one, better make up time on the cycling stage.

January 2nd
On this day in 1890, President (the 23rd) Benjamin Harrison, who is best known for being a President, and the grandson of a President (the 9th), appointed the first female staffer, Alice Sanger, to the White House.

On this day in 1788, the U.S. state of Georgia, named after King George II (not the crazy one), became the fourth state to ratify the US constitution.

January 1st
On this day in 1651, Charles-Part-Two was crowned king of Scotland. It would take another 9 years and three hundred hookers before he'd become king of England. This is because the monarchy had been dissolved in 1649 after Charles-Part-Two's father, Charles-the-Plonker, had a serious case of Off-With-His-Head. He had beaten Oliver-the-evil-git-Cromwell in a game of strip poker, which annoyed Oliver-Gonna-Kill-Anyone-I-Please-Cromwell. And it pleased him to kill the king, before going on to become Lord Protector of England, and killing half of Ireland and pretty much anyone who disagreed with him.

December 31st
On this day in, well, pretty much every year for the last thousand, Britain has adopted some very strange traditions. See my last blog post to find out more.

December 30th
On this day in 1460, Richard-Of-The-Grand-Old-Duke-Of-York (who didn't have 10,000 men, only about 8,000) marched his men up a hill, down a hill, back up the hill, then down a bit, and a bit more, this is probably half-way, we'll have a rest, and then he died.

Soon after, a rainbow appeared and he came back to life, briefly, to ask his trusted friend, Bilbo Baggins, to remember him every time he saw a rainbow. Which is why we now remember the colours of the rainbow using the mnemonic Richard-Of-York-Gave-Battle-In-Vain (Red-Orange-Yellow-Groot-Bilbo-Indigo-Viagra).

December 28th
On this day in 1065, Westminster Abbey was concentrated, copulated, discombobulated, err, nope, they don't sound right. Oh, I mean consecrated. Yes, consecrated. It's when two lovers decided they had done every other room in the house, so might as well do it here, too.

That's what consecrated means, right?

Err, it might actually mean to make something sacred and to dedicate something formally to a religious purpose.

Anyways, every coronation of a king or queen in England has been held at Westminster Abbey since that day. King Edward-The-Confessor, called that because he liked to hear people confess before he shot them in the head with a AK-47, had started the process of the Abbey being consecrated, but had fallen ill and couldn't attend the love-making ceremony on the day. He died a week later, looking at porn on the internet instead. He was the first king to be buried at the Abbey.

December 26th
On this day in 1135 King Stephen was crowned. Not making that up. Yes, England had a king called Stephen. Seriously, we did. Sheesh, you guys are really sceptical, aren't you? He was the grandson of William-The-Conker-Player, who was also known as William-The-Bastard, as he was a complete and utter .... And because his Mummy and Daddy weren't married.

The reign of King-I-Step-On-Hens was marked by THE ANARCHY. Had to use capitalization for that, as it made it sound more dramatic. It was a civil war fought between King-I-Step-On-Hens and his cousin, Matilda, who liked to be called Empress Matilda (because she was the Holy Roman Empress and Queen of the Romans, being married to the Holy Roman Emperor, Henry V), and by her nickname, Suck-On-My-Little-Toe.