Thursday, 9 July 2015

9th July - On This Day In History

Image result for anne of clevesON THIS DAY IN HISTORY - 9TH JULY
9th July 1540, King Henry-of-the-many-numbers(8) had enough of wife number four, Anne of Cleves and has their marriage annulled. Off with her head.
Nope. Not this time. The annulment was given on grounds they didn't boink, which is hard to believe, but there you go.
Anne actually outlived all of Henry's other wives and is treated quite well. Henry referred to her from then on as the King's Beloved Sister. No wonder they didn't boink. That'd be sick.
Image result for rudolph reindeer9th July 1609, Bohemia is granted the freedom of religion by the Holy Roman Emperor, Rudolph II, who had a very shiny nose. It was red, according to accurate reports.
Less accurate reports suggest he also had antlers, was best friends with Santa, and pulled a sleigh.
9th July 1815, Charles Maurice de Talleyrand Perigold became France's first Prime Minister. He served under various kings, as well as Napoleon, and then re-established the French monarchy after Napoleon's downfall.
He was sneaky, crafty, and cynical as was everyone towards him, and switched sides more times than a thing that switches sides a lot.
Image result for zachary taylor9th July 1850, President Zachary Taylor died.
He was the 12th President of the United States and one of a handful that died during his time in office.
He died of a stomach complaint that many believe was actually an Alien bursting from him, which then went on to consume his face before being killed by a predator.
9th July 1877. the inaugural Wimbledon tennis championships began. Game, Set, Don't light those matches you'll burn the place down.
Image result for australia9th July 1900, the inmates finally took over the prison.
Queen Victoria gave her Royal Assent to an Act of Parliament (the British parliament) creating Australia, and threw some shrimps on the Barbie, mate.
Happy Constitution Day, Australia.
Image result for johnny weissmuller
9th July 1922, Jonny Weissmuller broke the world swimming record in the 100 meters freestyle and also broke the minute barrier as well.
He swam it in 58.6 seconds.
He later went on to become my favourite Tarzan actor, before going bananas for Cheetah. Me Tarsan, you Jane.

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

8th July - On This Day In History

Image result for i come in peace shoot to killOn This Day In History - 8th July
8th July 975, Edgar the Peaceful, King of England, died. Ironically, despite his name, his rule of England was anything but peaceful.
In fact, it was full of conflict and murder, death, kills.
But, there was also pancakes.
Image result for confused kitten8th July 1099, during the First Crusade, 15,000 starving Christian soldiers marched around Jerusalem in a religious procession whilst the Muslim defenders look on.
"What the heck are they doing?"
"Protesting, I guess?"
"At what?"
"Something to do with the corruption in the professional game of soccer, I think."
"We should join them. That's a pretty serious and just cause."
Image result for charles xv of sweden8th July 1859, King Charles XV & IV becomes king of Sweden and Norway.
Yep, you're wondering the same thing as I am. Is he Charles XV or IV? Or are there two of them?
He is Charles XV of Sweden, and Charles IV of Norway. However, then it gets complicated.
He was in fact the ninth king called Charles in Sweden, and should be Charles IX. But, his predecessor made up a load of crap and re-invented certain parts of Swedish history, and so messed around with the number of kings called Charles.
So, Charles is therefore Charles XV. Or, just call him Carl.
Image result for uber
8th July 2011, the Space Shuttle Atlantis is launched in the final mission of the US Space Shuttle program. Mainly, they don't need the space shuttles anymore.
Aliens handed the US government transporter technology. They then awarded the contract to UBER who decided to eradicate any evidence of it so they can keep on using unqualified, unfit drivers to ferry people around the planet's major cities.

Tuesday, 7 July 2015

7th July - On This Day In History

Image result for joan of arcOn This Day In History - 7th July
7th July 1456, Joan of Arc has a retrial and the verdict is announced - Joan of Arc is acquitted of heresy.
Everyone rejoice.
Oh, wait, she had been dead for twenty five years after the first trial found her guilty and she was executed by burning on a stake.
Image result for head butting7th July 1575, the Raid of the Redeswire is fought between England and Scotland.
It's the last major battle between England and Scotland. However, there were, and still are, minor battles between the two countries.
Mostly they involve headbutting and name calling nowadays. But, back in the day, there was poking with swords and nudging with spears, and I'll RIP YOUR HEART OUT WITH A HAGGIS, YOU ENGLISH DOGS.
In the Raid of the Redeswire, Scotland were victorious. The English made up for it by inventing football and beating the Scots at every opportunity.
Image result for 7 dwarfs7th July 1865, during the American Civil War, four conspirators in the assassination of the President Abraham Lincoln are hanged for their crimes.
John Wilkes Booth, the famous one of the eight, then four, although with him there were nine, conspirators, was shot back in April. These four, whose names were, err, you know, there was that guy, the other one, the one with the funny moustache, the tall one, Grumpy, Sneezy, Doc.
Sheesh, no one can remember any of the other names of those guys apart from Booth.
Image result for sliced bread
7th July 1928, you can't beat sliced bread. Or children, dogs, cats, lions, hippos, crocodiles. However, if you see a spider, squash that evil Satan worshiper with an atomic bomb.
For the first time ever, sliced bread is sold. Someone actually invented that, you know. Yep, it took an actual inventor to invent the idea for having sliced bread.
He basically said, "What are you barbarians doing just ripping that bread to pieces? You should slice it, dumbasses."
Image result for stargate thor7th July 1947, Aliens crashed their alien spaceship, that was alien, with aliens inside, at Roswell.
Yep, it happened. There are aliens. They're here and walking around amongst us. Well, okay, no they aren't.
Stupid idiots crashed their spaceship into a planet and died. Sheesh, where'd they learn how to drive?
Image result for baby tennis
7th July 1985, Boris Becker becomes the youngest player ever to win a Wimbledon Championship, at the tender age of, err, about 2. The kid was great. And still wore diapers.
He did get a violation. As the rules for Wimbledon state all clothes that are visible to the audience must be predominantly white. Unfortunately, there was a toilet break that the little baby Becker had to take mid-point, and the visible uniform was no longer predominantly white.
Becker is one of my favourite commentators at the Wimbledon Championships. Great presenting, and very funny. Even though he's German.