Monday, 14 October 2013

Diary of a Time Traveller

Diary of a Time Traveller

Out of Time

Five seconds left.

In five seconds I’m dead. No getting out of it this time. In the middle of the road, sprawled on my side after tripping on a pole, a car hurtling towards me. Yep, dead. Dead as a doornail. That’s what I’m gonna be in five seconds.

Now comes my life flashing in front of my eyes. Bare with me, it’s normal.

Born eleven years ago, have a Mum, Dad, and little brother, blah blah, all very boring. Grew up in a stupid little village with nothing to do. Totally boring. Went to school where I met Milo, my best friend. He’s great, not boring at all. Although this is all his fault. Yep, for sure. My upcoming death is all his fault. Must remember to come back and haunt him.

Four seconds left.

School was boring. Learnt, or is it learned? Never paid attention in English. I’ll go with learnt even if it doesn’t sound right. But who cares? I don’t. So, I learnt normal stuff--maths, English, history, geography, science, all boring. Except history, I actually enjoyed that, especially the prehistoric lessons. Dinosaurs roaming the Earth. Totally cool. Although they’re as dead as I’m about to be.

Three seconds left.

What else? Nothing! Wow, my life sucked big time.

Okay, next come the don’ts. It’s normal.

Two seconds left.

Don’t number one: When your grandfather gives you a skeleton key on his death bed and tells you it has been in the family for a thousand years and to learn its secret, don’t take it into school to show your best friend. Wow, that was a mistake and a half.

Don’t number two: When you’re cornered by the school bully, and all he wants is some stupid key, don’t tell him no and then call him names.

Don’t number three: Don’t, if you’re fast enough to get away by running across a car park and along an alleyway, don’t, and I mean don’t, under any circumstances, turn around and give the bully the finger. You’ll end up tripping on a rock and falling into the road.

But, hey, you live and learn.

Or not.

Oh, I’m Jacob, by the way. Eleven-years-old and soon to be splattered across the front of a car.

One second left.

One second: the difference between being squished by a car or, if you’re a time traveller like me, being eaten by a dinosaur.

Sunday, 13 October 2013

The Old Woman

Detective Bell stood outside the interrogation room thumbing through the folder. He had seen some sick things in his time, but nothing compared to this. How could anyone do such a thing? He heard approaching footsteps and glanced up. His partner, detective Roger End, was strolling down the corridor.

“Have you read this?” Detective Bell asked.

“Nope,” answered End. “Just heard the uniformed officers who brought her in bumped it over to us for some reason.”

Bell held out the file. “You should read this before we go in.”

End shook his head. “No time. I’ll read it when you start. Gotta wrap this one up quick. We’ve had a sighting of that Goldy Girl. SWAT is gearing up as we speak.”

“I really think you should look at the file first.”

“Oh, come on. It’s probably nothing we haven’t seen before.”

Bell sighed. End was too stubborn for his own good and he’d suffer for it before the morning was over. Bell opened the door and they both entered the interrogation room. An old woman sat behind a long, metal table. She was cuffed and chained to a hook in the centre. This normally made perps nervous. But this old woman seemed more amused than afraid. She reminded him of his grandmother, small and chubby, rosy-red cheeks and a smell of cookies.

Bell sat on a chair opposite her. Even though there were two chairs on this side of the table, his partner chose to stand, leaning against the wall next to the two-way glass mirror. Bell cleared his throat. He had to ask some standard formal questions first. But there was only one question on his mind: why would someone do such a thing?

“State your name?”

She smiled. “My name is Patricia Farm.”

Bell felt his blood boil. How could she be so calm? She knew what she had done. There was a witness who had seen it. Yet here she was, acting as if what she had done was normal.

Bell took a deep breath and continued. “And for the record, where do you live?”

“Oh, I live at 4333 Turnpike Drive, my dear. Yes, that’s where I live. It’s a lovely house, so warm and cosy. I take good care of it. You should come and visit some ti--”

Bell jumped up with such force the chair he was sitting on shot across the room and crashed into the wall behind him. “How can you act so normal after what you’ve done?”

“I don’t understand,” she said. Her face looked so innocent it deserved to be punched.

“You understand me perfectly. Do you deny what you did?” Bell slammed his hand on the table. “Don’t you dare. We have a witness. He saw everything. We’ve got you. We’ve got you real good.”

End coughed. “Bell, don’t you think you’re being a bit too hard on her. You can see she probably didn’t mean to do it. It was more than likely just a mistake. A mix-up. There’s probably a very reasonable explanation.”

Bell glared at his partner. “Oh, a reasonable explanation? You think there’s a reasonable explanation?” He turned back to the old woman. “Well, is there?”

“Well I just ....”

“Just what?” Bell shouted. “Come on, tell us? Admit what you did."

“Detective Bell,” End said, raising his voice. “Calm down, she’s just an old woman. Look how sweet and frail she is.”

“Well,” said the old woman all sweet and frail like, “it felt right.”

Detective Bell’s eyes widened. He had her. She couldn’t get out of it now. “So you admit what you did?”

“I just wanted to....”

Bell slammed both hands onto the table and leaned in towards her. “Go on, say it. Tell us what you did.”

The old woman looked up at Bell and smiled. “Well, my dear, I swallowed a fly.”

End dropped the file he’d been holding. “You did what?”

The woman looked at End. “I swallowed a fly.”

All the blood drained from End’s face. Then, without warning, he doubled over and vomited all over the interrogation room floor. Bell ran over and grabbed his arm to stop him from falling. End pushed Bell away so he could look the old woman in the eyes. “You sick, disgusting old woman. How could you?”

The woman chuckled. “I don’t know why I swallowed the fly. But I was sure I’d die.”

Thursday, 10 October 2013

Murray Walker

Image result for murray walker
Murray Walker was born on this day in 1923. Yep, he is 90 years old today. Anyone who follows motorsport, and especially Formula One, will be familiar with the name. He was the voice of F1 for decades and is much loved by fans and professionals alike. For me, he made F1 better, and watching the races hasn't been the same since he retired 14 years ago.

He was also famous for his "Murrayisms", and here are a few of the best:

"Only a few more laps to go and then the action will begin. Unless this is the action, which it is!"

"I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has. I imagine it must be some sort of grip problem."

"And the first three cars are all Escorts, which isn't surprising as this is an all Escort race."

"He is exactly 10 seconds ahead, or more approximately, 9.86 seconds."

"Look up there! That's the sky!"

"There's nothing wrong with his car except that it's on fire."

"I don't want to tempt fate but Damon Hill is now only half a lap from his first Grand Prix win and… and HE'S SLOWING DOWN, DAMON HILL IS SLOWING DOWN… HE'S... HE'S STOPPED!"

The guy is a hero and the passion he had for the sport he loved was infectious. Earlier in the year he fell down and broke his pelvis. Whilst at the hospital the doctor discovered he had lymphoma. Thankfully he is on the mend. Let's hope he has many more years to enjoy his Formula One.

I'll leave you with this last quote, which made me as emotional as him. It was in 1996 and Damon Hill had just won both the Japanese Grand Prix and the World Championship: "I've got to stop now, because I've got a lump in my throat." The only time he was ever speechless as a commentator on Formula One.

The guy was brilliant.

Happy Birthday, Murray.

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

She Swallowed A Fly!

We knew this day would come. It was the only logical progression. This old woman started by swallowing the fly. I don't know why she swallowed the fly. I was sure she'd die. But she didn't. She decided the only way forward was to swallow a spider. It wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. She swallowed the spider to catch the fly, why oh why did she swallow that fly? How did she not die?

Of course from there it gets weird. She swallowed a bird, which sounds absurd, but she did nonetheless. She saw a bat, and said, "Not that." And instead swallowed a cat. Fancy that, yes, she swallowed a cat. She did this to catch the bird, which was absurd, and swallowed the bird to catch the spider. Such a stupid woman to swallow a spider, as it wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. She swallowed the spider to catch the fly. She must've been high when she swallowed the fly. She didn't die.

Oh my god, she swallowed a dog. What a hog, she swallowed a dog. Not a small one either. She swallowed the dog to catch the cat. She swallowed the cat to catch the bird and swallowed the bird to catch the spider. It wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. And the spider was swallowed, according to reports by a witness, to catch the fly. How sick have you got to be to swallow a fly? Why did she not die?

She swallowed a goat! It went straight down her throat. It wasn't enough, though. Which is why she swallowed a cow. Wow! She swallowed a cow!

She swallowed a cow, wow, a cow, to catch the goat, which went down her throat, to catch the dog, not a hog, to catch the cat, fancy that, she swallowed a cat. She swallowed the cat to catch the spider, which wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.

Why? Why did she swallow that fly?

Then, after some considerable consideration she swallowed a horse.

She died, of course.

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

How now brown cow

Yes, she went and did it. This old woman swallowed a cow. Wow! She swallowed a cow! Now, a cow, I can understand. Cows are tasty. Who wouldn’t want to swallow a cow? Well, a whole one? Yes, I’ve been that hungry before. And slightly roasted they are very nice.
She swallowed the cow to catch the goat, straight down her throat went the goat. I wasn’t wearing a coat when I observed the goat slipping down her throat, safe on my boat, afloat. She swallowed the goat to catch the dog, yes, it’s obvious to anyone she was a hog for swallowing that dog. She swallowed the dog to catch the cat, fancy that, she swallowed a cat as it sat on a mat watching a fat rat called Pat sleeping in a hat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird, which was absurd, but she still did it. That’s one batty old biddy. She swallowed the bird, no matter how absurd, to catch the spider. And if there is one thing we’ve learned about spiders, it’s they wriggle and jiggle and tickle inside you. A good reason not to swallow a spider, if you ask me. But, as we’ve all ready established, this old woman, who didn’t live in a shoe, isn’t like you, she’s crazy through and through. I think she lives in a zoo.
She swallowed the spider, which tickled and jiggled and wriggled inside her, to catch the fly. Now, I know what you’re thinking, as I’ve been thinking the same. Why, when she swallowed that fly, did she not die?

Monday, 7 October 2013

I'm not wearing a coat.

She swallowed a goat? Oh my god, this old woman is out of control. Someone stop her. I don’t care what anyone says, swallowing a goat is wrong. I don’t care if it slipped right down her throat, it’s a goat. However, she did it to catch the dog, as she was a hog for swallowing the dog and needed to rectify the situation. Of course, she swallowed the dog to catch the cat, fancy that, yes, she swallowed the cat. The cat was needed to catch the bird, no matter how absurd it sounds, as the cat is the only thing that can catch the bird.

The bird was required to catch the spider. Oh my oh my, that frigging spider caused some discomfort. It wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. But, then again, it had to, as the purpose of its trip was to catch the fly, which was flying around pretty wildly, as it had just been swallowed by a batty old biddy.

Why she didn’t die for swallowing that fly, I’ll never know.  

Sunday, 6 October 2013

I knew an old woman who...

What the heck? Are you kidding me? How could she? This has to be the strangest and most mental old woman in the history of the planet. You may ask why? Why, I say? Well, she went and swallowed a dog. Yes, a dog! What a hog, she swallowed a dog.

But, then it's understandable really.

As she swallowed the dog to catch the cat, fancy that, she swallowed a cat. The reason, you may ask, that she swallowed that cat was to catch the bird. Absurd? Yes, a little, but the bird was necked so as to catch the spider. Oh, boy, the spider. It was crazy. The spider wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. However, she had no choice but to swallow the spider, no matter how it tickled, jiggled and wriggled inside her. Because, how else are you going to catch the fly? Yes, I know, she swallowed a freaking fly!

A fly. Yes, a fly. I thought she'd die.

Saturday, 5 October 2013

There was an old woman....(part two)

Okay, just found out this old biddy didn't stop at the bird, which was absurd. She swallowed a cat, yep, I know, fancy that, she swallowed a cat. For, it was told to her, that the cat would catch the bird, which really was quite absurd. She swallowed the bird to catch the spider, which, as we all know, as we've all swallowed a spider, wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. But, alas, she had no choice, as it was the only way to catch the fly. I couldn't, and still can't believe she didn't, as I was sure she would, die, for swallowing that fly.

There was an old woman...

Why would she swallow that fly? It doesn't make sense. Surely she knew she had to then swallow the spider, which, everyone knows, wriggles and jiggles and tickles inside her. After that you have no choice; you have to down the bird, which, I know, sounds absurd, but it's the only way to be certain. This is down to the simple fact that birds catch spiders, no matter how much they wriggle and jiggle and tickle inside you. And the spider catches the fly. Why, oh why, did she not die? I was almost certain she would.