Thursday, 27 February 2014

Facts about bees

It was a nice day today. Well, the sun was out and the gale force winds had subsided, which is all you can ask for around these parts. I was out in the back garden, let's say, erm, getting some fresh air, between the puffs of toxic fumes that seemed to appear in front of my face at random intervals.

So, just relaxing when ... a huge, ginormous, extremely large, massive mutant bumblebee attacked me. It lunged for my face. I backed away. It lunged again. I ducked to the side. It swiped my neck and circled for another pass. This bee was serious. It wanted me dead. I had to get away. Run! Run as fast as I could to the safety of the house. The bee soared into the sky. It was coming around for another pass. It passed in front of the sun. The entire garden went dark. That bumblebee was massive. Think Godzilla with wings and an annoying buzzing sound that gets worse the more you hear it. Kinda like Miley Cyrus.

The bee roared. The ground shook. It reached its apex, turned, and dived for the Earth. It was coming right for me. I had about four seconds, maybe five before I was a gonna. I had to make my move. Move! For crying out loud, legs. Move! I command you. Three seconds left. My legs twinged. The muscles tensed. Two seconds left. Run! You have to run. Run now, as fast as you can. One second left. I bolted for the door. Luckily I was only one step away. I closed it and gave the bumblebee the bird. Wow, that was close.

Bees are like velociraptors: angry, vicious, dangerous killing machines. They are smart, relentless and co-ordinated and are out in force today. They're coming to get you.

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