Friday, 1 January 2016

On This Day 1st January

Charles IIOn This Day In History - 1st of January
On this day in 1651, King Charles-Part-Two, or King Charles-The-Second-Call-Girl-Gave-Me-Herpes, was crowned king of Scotland.
It would take another 9 years and three hundred hookers before he'd become king of England. This is because the monarchy had been dissolved in 1649 after Charles-Part-Two's father, Charles-Not-A-Spaniel-But-A-Right-Plonker, had a serious case of Off-With-His-Head.
The problem arose when Charles-The-First-King-To-Suffer-Disconnected-Neck-Syndrome beat Oliver-the-evil-git-Cromwell in a game of strip poker.
This annoyed Oliver-Is-The-Monster-Beneath-Your-Bed-Cromwell. A lot. His dingle dangles weren't as big as most men's itsy-bitsies, which embarrassed him. To get back at Charles-The-First-To-See-Dead-People, Cromwell started the English Civil War.
Thus began Oliver-Gonna-Get-You's manhunt for the King's manhunts. The guy was a nutter. The amount of Englishmen he killed to get to the King's Ronald Reagans was staggering. A complete and total nutter. And, as it happens, when he caught the king, he became a de-nutter. King De-Nutter.
Cromwell killed the King by chopping off his head, and having his Lone Ranger for breakfast. Feeling the strength of the King inside him, Cromwell rubbed his belly and stood a few inches taller, before announcing that he'd become the Lord Protector of England.
His killing didn't stop at the King. He basically killed anyone who didn't hold his beliefs. This included Zayn from One Direction, Margaret Thatcher, Monica from Friends, John F Kennedy, Abraham Lincoln, and also half of Ireland.

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