Historical Fun

HISTORY FUN FACTS SEPETEMBER 28th This Day In History in 48BC, Pompey the Great, became less great, after he was assassinated.   A few days ago he fled after being defeated by Julius Caesar. After losing the battle, he donned a dress, worked as a hooker for a while, and eventually worked his way to Egypt.   Pompey thought he could raise an army in Egypt, or at least get a decent milk bath.   Not what happened.   King Ptolemy of Egypt, the brother and husband of Cleopatra, had Pompey killed and beheaded as a gift for Caesar.   I'm pretty certain it's not the sort of gift that would be appreciated by Julius Caesar, but that's a tale for another day.   This Day In History in 935, Wenceslaus I, Duke of Bohemia was murdered by his brother.   Good King Wenceslaus looked out on the feast of Stephen and WHAM, he was stabbed to death by his brother, Boleslaus, and three of his companions.   And he wondered why h...

HISTORY FUN FACT for SEPTEMBER 27th On This Day In History in 1066 William the Conqueror set sail from the River Somme on his journey to England for the Norman Conquest.   Did You Know: William the Conqueror is also known as King William I (Borg designation: first of four).   But, did you also know: Before he was called William the Conqueror, he was called William the Bastard.   Yes, William was a bastard.   Not only in the "Your Mummy not married to your Daddy" kind of way, as his father was the Duke of Normandy and his mother was the unmarried hussy daughter of a bloke who played with dead bodies, but also in the "You’re a complete and utter..." type of way.   Mainly because he invaded England. Sheesh, what a complete and utter....   William-The-Conker-Player invaded England in 1066 with his Norman army, which has since become known as the Norman Invasion.   Yep, he invaded England with an army made...

HISTORY FUN FACTS - September 26th This Day In History in 46BC, Julius Caesar dedicated a temple to Venus Genetrix, fulfilling a promise he made at the Battle of Pharsalus.   Venus was the Roman Goddess of Sex. Also love, beauty, fertility, victory and desire. So, basically all of the dwarves except Grumpy.   The Battle of Pharsalus was during the Civil War where Caesar was trying to gain control of Rome from his nemesis, Gnaeus Pompey.   The Battle of Pharsalus was a battle Julius Caesar should have lost. He was greatly outnumbered, in a foreign land cut off from his supplies, with a starving army.   Pompey's army was twice the size with plenty of food and a local population happy to pleasure his soldiers.   Pompey wanted to wait out Caesar, but he was under pressure from the senators, who wanted a quick victory so they could return to their hookers in Rome.   Battle commenced and Caesar showed his skill. With Venus at his side, h...

HISTORY FUN FACTS SEPTEMBER 25th This Day In History, September 25th, 1793, Fletcher Christian was born.   Fletcher Christian is best known for his role in the Mutiny on the Bounty when he took over William Bligh's ship HMS Bounty on the 28th April, 1789, after visiting the paradise island of Tahiti.   Fletcher Christian and his men, keen to return to the warm bosom of Tahiti, to see some more bosoms, wrestled control of the ship from the rightful captain, William Bligh, who obviously had seen enough of women's fun bags to last a lifetime.   There are varying accounts of Fletcher Christian's death. It seems he died of natural causes whist committing suicide after he went insane and was murdered by the mutineers who remained with him, and then killed by the Tahitians. All in all, a pretty bad day.   This Day in History in 1951, Mark Hamill was born.   Mark Hamill was born in Oakland, California and raised as a spoilt brat...

HISTORY FUN FACTS - SEPTEMBER 23rd   This Day In History in 1759, King Ferdinand VI of Spain was born.   King Ferdinand VI was the fourth son of Philip V and his first wife, Maria Luisa of Savoy as a result of a spillage on a drunken night celebrating the successful mating of their pet female hedgehog and the next door neighbour's Yorkshire terrier.   For some reason, the dog didn't walk right after that encounter.   King Ferdinand died on August 10th, 1759, thirteen years after he became King of Spain, and almost a year to the day, give or take a few weeks, that his wife, Barbara, died.   He was endlessly devoted to his precious Barbara and took her death hard. It broke his heart. After her death, up until his own death, which is when he died, King Ferdinand didn't do anything at all.   He took no interest in the kingdom or his royal duties and, much to the embarrassment and horror of his servants, wandered arou...

HISTORY FUN FACTS - SEPTEMEBR 21st On This Day In History in 1411, Richard of York, 3rd Duke of York, was born.   He is most famous for being unknown amongst British school children even though all of them will know his name. He is the Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vain, the mnemonic to remember the colours of the rainbow ( Red-Orange-Yellow-Groot-Bilbo-Indigo-Viagra).   Richard of York was almost a king, just a few more days and ... dead. Not king. Dammit.   As the great-grandson of King Edward III (on his father's side) and the great-great-great-grandson of the same King on his mother's side, he had a claim to the English throne. And didn't he know it.   During the reign of King Henry VI (two Henrys before the one everyone knows), the King went bonkers-wacko-Jacko. Richard stepped in to fill the void and served as Lord Protector.   This worked semi-well for the country, but it royally pissed off Henry's wife, Mar...

HISTORY FUN FACTS - SEPTEMBER 20th On This Day in history in 1486 Arthur Tudor was born.   Arthur Tudor was the Prince of Wales and also the eldest son of King Henry VII of England. As the eldest son of the King, he was also the heir apparent.   Plans for Arthur's marriage started at the age of three, because any self-respecting three-year-old needs a wife. It wasn't until he was eleven-years-old that he was formally betrothed. Although they waited until he was 15-years-old before he actually married.   And the lucky lady was Catherine of Aragon.   Wait a minute, that name sounds familiar. Wasn't she the wife of King Henry VIII?   Something icky is coming.   Which is what Arthur said to his new wife on their wedding night.   Soon after they were married, they moved into Ludlow Castle in Shropshire. Life was good for Arthur Tudor. Newly married, madly in love, and heir to the throne of England. Soon he would be King o...

HISTORY FUN FACTS SEPTEMBER 19th On This Day In History in 1356 King John II of France was captured by the English forces of Edward, the Black Prince, who was white, during the Battle of Poitiers.   As a child, King John II of France wasn't fed his mother's milk, but was made to suckle on the nipples of frogs and snails for nourishment. This may account for what happened after he was captured and imprisoned by the English.   During his captivity, France suffered. And it suffered a lot. Not least with the Black Death, which eliminated half the population.   King John (which really doesn't sound very French if you ask me), enjoyed a regal lifestyle as a prisoner in London. He was given the freedom to travel and was even allowed to buy his own horses, pets, clothes, and was fed five course banquets at every mealtime.   He even had his own astrologer and court band. Not kidding. That was all true. ...

The Assassination of President James A. Garfield On This Day In History in, September 19th, 1881, James A. Garfield, the 20th President of the United States of America died.   President Garfield had only been president for four months when he was shot by Charles J. Guiteau on July 2nd.   Guiteau was pissed at Garfield for not giving him a job. He wanted to be rewarded for doing virtually nothing to get Garfield elected as president and thought he deserved the position of consul in Paris.   It may have been a perfect job for Guiteau if he could speak any French and had any experience of that type of job. But he didn't. It also didn't help that he was a complete nutter.   Virtually all of President Garfield's movements, with the exception his bowel movements, were published in the newspapers. Guiteau followed these movements with interest and also the ones in the papers, and used them to plan the assa...

History Fun Facts - September 18th On This Day In History in 96 (a real year, even if it looks wrong when you write it down), the Roman Emperor Domitian was assassinated.   Some would say he had it coming to him, considering 15 years before, Domitian had murdered his own brother, Titus, to take his place as Emperor of Rome.   Domitian had killed his brother with a poison which created an uncomfortable feeling in Titus' bottom. Basically it was no longer a Titus. In fact, it was quite pliable. And erupted like a sticky brown volcano. Having blown off his Titus, Emperor Titus died shortly after.   Emperor Domitian was killed by a former slave called Maximus (not Russell Crowe) and a steward called Stephanus in a conspiracy led by a guy called Parthenius, who was Domitian's chamberlain.   There were a lot more people involved, but let's be honest, like me, you probably skip over the names that are hard to pronounce.   It's thou...

HISTORY FACT - September 16th On This Day In History in 1701, once-a-king-but-king-no-more King James II of England, died when his head exploded after losing a game of spank-my-head-with-a-stick-of-dynamite, a popular game in 17th century England.   James II was actually a King of England, but not King of England when he died, despite what he kept telling his French friends. He became King when his brother died in 1685 and remained King until he royally screwed up by royally screwing his new catholic wife.   James kept annoying the English Protestants and they had suspicions he was way too pro-French and even more pro-Catholic. To top it off, he also enjoyed playing Pokémon Go, which was the last straw.   The real final straw happened when his wife popped out a sprog which kept shouting, "Kill the Protestant scum. Burn them at the stake."   The English ball sacks, or Nobs, or Nobles, panicked. England couldn't have a Catholic hair cut. Or, in fact,...

HISTORY FUN FACTS SEPTEMBER 15th On this day in history in 1254, Marco Polo was born.   Marco Polo was, of course, the creator of the much loved game, Marco Polo, and the mint with the hole.   Legend tells that Marco was blind, incompetent at navigation, lived his entire life in a swimming pool, was very needy in trying to find friends, really wanted to be a bat, and had really bad breath.   Thus came the creation of the game, where everyone jumps into the swimming pool, one person is "Marco" or "It", and the other players are "Polo".   The person who is "It" closes their eyes and trundles around the pool shouting "Marco", imitating the call of a bat in their echo-location, trying to find their friends. When the friends, or fellow players, hear the shout "Marco" they must respond with "Polo, for crying out loud stick a polo in your mouth and suck, your breath stinks of donkey poo."   Or somethi...

HISTORY FACT - September 13th On This Day In History in 81 (yes, that's a real year), the Roman Emperor Titus, died of a fever.   Most historians consider Titus to be an okay Emperor, if not a reasonably good one. And considering how evil some of those were, that's a hefty statement.   His last reported words were, "There's either something wrong with my bottom or Vesuvius just erupted again?"   Okay, no, those weren't his real last words. However, he was the Emperor who ruled in 79AD when Mount Vesuvius erupted and destroyed Pompeii.   His almost not-so-real last words were, "I'm so hot you could cook a hot dog between my butt cheeks."   Or were they, "Where is my brother? I'll boil him alive on my burning scrotum."   It was his brother, Domitian, who succeeded Titus to the throne. As his first act, Domitian deified his brother Titus, so one would think the two got on pretty well. So why would he want to k...

HISTORY FUN FACTS for SEPTEMBER 12th On This Day In History in 1642, Henri Coiffier de Ruze, the Marquis de Cinq-Mars (you get extra points if you tried to pronounce all that correctly), died after he discovered a problem with his neck.   After a close inspection, Henri found his neck no longer had a head on it. This resulted in almost instant death. The Marquis de Cinq-Mars was heard to shout, as his head sat plonked on the floor staring at his neck from a few feet away, "Where the friggin hell is my head?"   He then realised what had happened and whispered, "This is going to take some serious conspiring to put right."   Which gets us to the reason he found his head detached from his body. Henri was one of many at the time who were conspiring against the infamous Cardinal Richelieu (the one the three Musketeers hated).   Henri's father was a very close friend of Cardinal Richelieu and after his father's death Henri was brought...

HISTORY FUN FACTS for September 11th On This Day In History in 1269, Philip of Artois died of injuries sustained during battle.   During the Battle of Furnes, where he served under the command of his father, Robert II of Artois, Philip was on his horse at full charge when an arrow pierced his armour coming to an abrupt stop halfway into his left testicle.   Philip of Artois, the Lord of Conches, Nonancourt and Domfront, didn't die on the spot. There was a great deal of agony first. Well, you'd be in a lot of pain if your left nut had nutted an arrow.   His aunt, called Stella, also of Artois, created a special potion for her nephew to consume so as to alleviate most, if not all, of the pain.   This special potion also had some strange effects. His speech became slurred, he had the urge to eat a kebab, and he kept declaring his love to lampposts. Urinating in a policeman's helmet, although some believe to be one of the s...

HISTORY FACTS - September 9th On This Day In History in 1087 William the Conqueror was killed after he fell off his horse.   William the Conqueror was also known as King William I (Borg designation: first of four).   But, here’s something you may not have known: before he was William the Conqueror of England, he was called William the Bastard.   Yes, William was a bastard.   Not only in the "Your Mummy not married to your Daddy" kind of way, as his father was the Duke of Normandy and his mother was the unmarried hussy daughter of a bloke who played with dead bodies, but also in the "You’re a complete and utter..." type of way.   Mainly because he invaded England.   Sheesh, what a complete and utter....   On This Day In History in 1543, Mary Stuart was crowned Queen of Scotland in an almost lavish ceremony at Stirling (that's in Scotland).   Mary, Queen of Scots, was only 9 months old when she was ...

History Fun Fact September 6th On This Day in 380, Emperor Theodosius defeated the usurper, Emperor Eugenius, at the Battle of the Frigidus. With the defeat of Eugenius, both the Western Roman Empire and the Eastern Roman Empire were untied once again, the last time in history it would be one great big Empire.   Theodosius, also known as Theodosius the Great, or Cute-Squirrel-Lips by his Praetorian Guard, was born on the 11th of January, 347.   After the Battle of Figidus, Theodosius became Emperor of the entire Roman Empire, the last Emperor to rule over the whole thing.   During his reign, Theodosius-Cute-Squirrel-Lips had a serious problem with the Goths during and set about trying to eradicate them. Perhaps they reminded him of his own moody teenage years.   Unfortunately, his reputation took a serious hit, along with his gonads, a war injury he would never recover from, as he wasn't successful in destroying them. Or the other b...

History Fun Facts - September 5th   On This Day In History in 1698, Tsar Peter I of Russia imposed a tax on beards in an attempt to Westernize his nobility.   The tax was applicable to all types of beards and for all men, except the clergy and peasants. Your grandmother was also exempt from the tax.   On this day in history in 1187, King Louis VIII of France was born.   His reign as King of France didn't last long, just a mere three years. And his reign as King of England didn't ever happen. There's a signed bit of paper saying so.   Yes, he was King of England. Well, not actually, but sort of, perhaps, nah he wasn't, get back to France you French pretender.   To cut a long story short, Louis came to England on holiday as a not-yet-king-of-France. Whilst holidaying in the south of England, he got really plastered on an all night booze-party celebrating the fact his last remaining virgin dog had just got his leg over. Okay...

History Fact: On this day in history in 1241, Alexander III of Scotland was born. Alexander III had a mildly interesting life, becoming King of Scotland at the age of 7 after his father, Alexander II, died.   He then seduced and married King (of England) Henry III's daughter at the tender age of 10, after seeking out and capturing all known Pokémon, which deeply impressed the young princess.   When Alexander entered his years of majority, he basically invited the Norwegian King, Haakon, to invade Scotland, which he did.   But, luckily for Alexander, there is a lot of storms north of Scotland, and half Haakon's fleet was destroyed, with Haakon being killed against some rocks on Orkney on his way home.   Ironically, that's exactly how Alexander died.   After Alexander's first wife passed away, along with all three of his children, he was forced to marry again so he could produce a male heir to the thron...