Friday, 16 September 2016

History Fun Facts September 16th

HISTORY FACT - September 16th

On This Day In History in 1701, once-a-king-but-king-no-more King James II of England, died when his head exploded after losing a game of spank-my-head-with-a-stick-of-dynamite, a popular game in 17th century England.
 
James II was actually a King of England, but not King of England when he died, despite what he kept telling his French friends. He became King when his brother died in 1685 and remained King until he royally screwed up by royally screwing his new catholic wife.
 
James kept annoying the English Protestants and they had suspicions he was way too pro-French and even more pro-Catholic. To top it off, he also enjoyed playing Pokémon Go, which was the last straw.
 
The real final straw happened when his wife popped out a sprog which kept shouting, "Kill the Protestant scum. Burn them at the stake."
 
The English ball sacks, or Nobs, or Nobles, panicked. England couldn't have a Catholic hair cut. Or, in fact, a Catholic heir to the throne.
 
They invited the husband of Mary, who was the daughter of James, who was a protestant, as was her husband, who happened to be a tangerine, to England for a chat to discuss the situation.
 
William of Orange invaded England with an army of Satsumas in a Glorious Revolution. James, who disliked the most evil of all fruits, fled England and hid at the court of his cousin, King Louis XIV of France where he was fed nothing but bananas.
 
He did try, and trying is what counts, and he was very trying, to reclaim his throne at the Battle of the Boyne. He brought a French army, along with some Scottish and Irish tourists, to Ireland where he fought against the forces of William of Not-A-Lemon and lost, big timey-wimey.
 
For the rest of his life he was made to perform Celine Dion songs at state banquets in France, whilst wearing a pink tutu and a Donald Trump wig, which was nowhere near as embarrassing as his defeat at the Battle of the Boyne against the new King of England, William III of Oranges-Suck.
 
That was until he had a brain haemorrhage and died.
 
On This Day In History, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I was born.

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