Friday, 25 March 2016

Richard the Lionheart: the assassination of the King of England

Richard the Lionheart: An 1199 News report on the assassination of Richard the Lionheart

It's the 25th of March, 1199, Richard-The-First-King-To-Eat-The-Heart-of-A-Lion has been shot.

Yes, today is a grave day for England. Our beloved and gentle King has been shot by an arrow, shot by a bow, shot by a child, who will be shot with a shotgun in the face, as he shot the King. It's shocking!

Details are still coming in from our reporter at the scene, but it's a little unclear as to what happened.

They say the king was out walking in the grounds of Castle Limousin, the same castle he had besieged and then captured from the Viscount-Whose-Name-You-Can't-Pronounce. A small child, or perhaps Tyrion Lannister, no one is quite sure, emerged atop the castle wall and shot him with a crossbow.

No one is quite sure why Tyrion would want to shoot a King, as it seems out of character. But, as soon as we know more about the motivations of the assassin, we'll let you know.

Immediately after the king was shot, he was taken to his private room, where he tried to extract the arrow himself. However, as good as he was at extracting a heart from the chest cavity of a lion, he was not great at pulling arrows from arms.

A surgeon, nicknamed the Butcher, which is exactly the name you want in a surgeon, was called to attend the King.

After a quick evaluation, and seven rum and cokes, the surgeon prepped the king for surgery. This involved another four rum and cokes, a hooker, and a whiskey chaser. The king declined both the drink, the hooker, and the latest in anesthesia, which is club to back of neck.

The surgeon, who kept winking during the surgery, a side effect of the hooker, extracted the arrow by way of the spank-it-yank-it technique.

Unfortunately, even with the most highly trained surgeons on the planet, and the latest in medical technology and treatment, things can go wrong.

During the process the surgeon seriously mangled the king's arm. He also failed to clean the wound.

Reports coming in to the news desk suggest the king's wound has since turned gangrenous. And, despite the fact the king is expected to make a full recovery, gangrene is tragically a common occurrence in cases like this.

It shows why more money is needed to fund research into the causes of infections.

However, the latest procedures are cutting edge, and show how far we have come with medical care.

The Butcher had followed all current best practices, which included gobbing on the wound and covering it in a dirty scrap of cloth previously used as toilet paper. He also strapped the arm up.

Watch out for follow-up reports about the fate of the young boy who shot the king, who is expected to be executed for his crime. We will include details of the king's health as they happen.

BREAKING NEWS: A psychic has just had a vision. The death of King Richard The Lionheart will happen in a week and half. And the boy will be pardoned.

Sheesh, like a psychic has ever been right.

UPDATED - April 6th

On this day in history, April 6th, in 1199, Richard I of England, also known as Richard the Lionheart, died.
Two weeks ago, we reported Richard-I-Ate-The-Heart-Of-A-Lion was shot by an arrow, shot by a bow, shot by a child, who will be shot with a shotgun in the face, as he shot the King.
The king was out driving in a Limousin in the grounds of a castle, when a small child resembling a French Tyrion Lannister, emerged atop the castle wall and shot him with a crossbow.
After the king tried unsuccessfully to extract the arrow from his privates ... oops, tried to extract the arrow in private ...  he called a surgeon, nicknamed the Butcher. That really is a great name for a doctor. Gives you confidence in his abilities. It's someone you'd take your kids to see for a check-up. Trustworthy. Professional.
During the highly delicate operation to remove the arrow, the Butcher lived up to his name and butchered the hell out of the king's appendage. And his arm.
The Butcher failed to clean the wound, and it turned gangrenous. He reported afterwards that the king was expected to make a full recovery.
The king didn't.
In fact, he died. Keeled over, writhing in pain, singing a pretty good rendition of Abba's Waterloo. The poor guy was delirious. Which is probably why he also declared the boy who shot him was to go unpunished and set free.

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