Sunday, 6 March 2016

Fun Facts About Emperor Caracalla

Fun Facts About the Emperor Caracalla
 
As Evil Emperors go, Caracalla is probably one of the worst, most evil emperors you'll ever come across.
 
This guy was not just bad. Not just evil. He was total Whacko-Jacko, Someone-Didn't-Eat-Their-Greens-As-A-Kid evil.
 
1. Caracalla was Emperor between the 16th September 198 and the 8th April 217.
 
2. Caracalla was the eldest son of Septimius Severus, who was most famous for killing Dumbledore in an elaborate plan that shocked the Potter world to its core.
 
Caracalla spent most of his youth and early adult life learning to cope with his father's betrayal of Harry Potter's mentor, and so he managed his anger by perfecting the evil art of puppy-kicking.
 
This meant, when he finally became Emperor, he had all the training required to be an evil git.

3. Caracalla was made Emperor in the year 198, whilst his father was still alive.
 
You'd think being made a co-Emperor would make you happy. Nope. Not for Caracalla. He wanted to be a full Emperor. As a result, he started his reign as he meant it to go on - miffed at having to rule jointly with his father.
 
Because co-Emperor doesn't have the same ring to it as Emperor, he came up with a plan. Eventually.
 
4. In 209, Publius Septimius Geta was also made co-Emperor.
 
Geta was the younger brother of Caracalla. Their father decided, after putting up with a lot of badgering from Geta about how he wasn't an Emperor like his brother and father, to make him one as well.
 
This really started to annoy Caracalla. Now he didn't just rule with his father, but his stupid younger brother, too. Something needed to be done. Time for a new plan.
 
5. In 211, whilst on a campaign in Britain, Emperor Septimus Severus died at Eboracum (York, the old one, not the new one), in what can be described as suspicious circumstances.
 
Details are sketchy, but, basically, Caracalla killed his father by stuffing his mouth full of poisoned hedgehogs.
 
6. Caracalla ruled the Roman Empire jointly, and happily, with his brother, Geta.

For a couple of minutes.

Caracalla hated his brother. Really hated his brother. And that hatred went all the way back to their childhood.

7. On the 26th of December, 211, Caracalla had his little brother, Co-Emperor Geta, murdered by his own centurions in his mother's arms.

8. And then Caracalla killed all of his brother's supporters and anyone who remembered his brother's name.

This included his brother's wife, cousin, daughter, and pretty much all of the family. To say the guy was nuts would be an understatement. He was a complete psycho.

Bonus Round
 
1. Over in Egypt, they took the micky out of Caracalla in a play.
 
But what can you do? Maybe write a bad review on Amazon? Give it only 1 star? Slag it off on Twitter?
 
Nope.
 
When Caracalla found out, he went ape nuts crazy. He took an army to Alexandria, invited everyone into the city square with the promise of free food and some light entertainment, which included juggling hedgehogs, and then slaughtered them all.
 
He then burned the city to the ground, just in case no one got the point as to how peeved he was.
 
Over 20,000 men, women and children died.
 
2. Caracalla waged war with Parthia.

Not in the traditional sense. He came bearing the banner of peace, in the form of a wedding.

Caracalla proposed a marriage with himself and the daughter of King Artabanus V of Parthia. At the wedding ceremony, he attacked his bride-to-be, her family, and all the guests, in a bloody massacre.

King Artabanus only just escaped with his life. Wonder if Caracalla took any hints from George RR Martin on wedding celebrations?

All's well that ends well
Caracalla got what was coming to him.
 
On the 8th April 217, he was piddling on the side of the road, playing let's drown the ants, when one of his personal bodyguards, Julius Martialis, stabbed him to death with a single sword strike.
 
Whilst sliding the blade into his back, Martialis shouted, "Those ants were like family to me."
 
Caracalla had also murdered Martialis' brother a few days early, which may also have had something to do with his motivation. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Triggered!