A Humorous History Account of the life of St Patrick: The Patron Saint of Ireland
Every year on March 17th the world goes crazy for all things Irish.
It's the date when we celebrate the anniversary of the death (in AD 461, or AD493, or AD492, or AD503, or 457, or, yeah, pick a date, it'll be as close as anyone else can guess) of the most Irish bloke of all time -- St Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland.
However, St Patrick wasn't Irish. He was actually British.
He didn't become Irish until he studied Riverdance under an apprenticeship with Michael Flatterlyfeet. And even then he had to learn to say, "To be sure, To be sure."
St Patrick had something in common with Julius Caesar. Like Caesar, St Patrick was kidnapped by pirates. Real life Irish pirates.
Irish Pirates kidnapped the young St Patrick, who was just called Patrick back then, and took him to Ireland and enslaved him in captivity for six years.
As a slave, he was forced to herd sheep and learn to dance without moving a muscle in his upper body.
One summer's day, whilst out herding, he heard the voice of God. And promptly became a Christian.
St Patrick didn't stay in Ireland. He escaped his enslavement and walked 200 miles (300 less than the Proclaimers) and found a ship bound for Britain.
The captain wasn't going to let him on board, but his skills at dance were too impressive to ignore. The captain relented in exchange for teaching him the magic of the Flatterlyfeet.
Patrick returned to Britain and, for some unknown reason, he and the entire ship's company left the comfort of their ship and walked through the wilderness for four weeks.
28 days later, they were starving, dehydrated and more than a bit lethargic. Some might say Zombie-Like.
The crew were about to give up on poor Patrick and chew his face-off, when they came across a group of wild boars.
It was a miracle. They were saved. Patrick rejoiced. It was the will of ... oh my god what the hell are you doing to those boars?
The boars were a welcome feast, to be sure, to be sure. But, they needed to be cooked.
Patrick gestured at some dried wood. "Okay, Frank, you go start a fire. Tony, you collect some mushrooms and spices. Matt, you ... For the love of ... Frank you can't start a fire by rubbing two hedgehogs together. Use the frigging matches. Sheesh, you guys are seriously starting to make my nipples itch. I should never have returned to Britain."
Not-Yet-A-Saint Patrick had an epiphany.
"After continuing my studies in the Christian religion, I shall return to Ireland and convert the carp out of them. Then we can celebrate my death every year in a massive drunk-fest of green beer and merriment."
The Shamrock, a three-leafed plant, is the symbol of St Patrick. St. Patrick used it to teach the doctrine of the Holy Trinity.
Did You Know: The Shamrock is green.
Oh, speaking of green. Although everyone celebrates St Patrick's Day by colouring everything green, whether it be beer, hair, or rivers, St Patrick's favourite colour was blue, the original colour of his vestments.
St Patrick had a lot in common with Samuel L Jackson.
Much like the acclaimed actor, St Patrick had had enough of those bothersome snakes, who appreciated their mothers a little too much, on his flying device, which was also extremely devoted to making its mother happy.
And, with a lot less swearing than Samuel L Jackson, St Patrick got rid of all the snakes in Ireland. He then went about getting rid of any evidence there were any snakes in Ireland.
There were some worms, though. But Worms On A Cliff doesn't sound as impressive as Snakes On A Plane.
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