Historical Fun

HISTORY FACTS - August 31st On This Day In History, 31st of August, 1422, King Henry V of England , the second king from the House of Lancaster, died of Something-Wrong-With-Me-Poops and That-Curry-Has-Some-Serious-Consequences.   This left his son, Henry VI, free to claim the throne. He demanded all bow down to him as supreme ruler of the milky-milky-sucky-nipple people.   What?   Henry VI was only 9-months-old when he became king.   On This day, 31st of August 1803, Lewis and Clark began their most famous of expeditions to the west when they left Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.   It would take the entire journey, and more than a few coincidences, before Lewis found out that Clark had a secret identity. The glasses were a perfect disguise.   31st August, 1888, Mary Ann Nichols is murdered. Although never proved, the common consensus is that she was killed by a secret society of aliens who had been living in London for the last t...

History Facts - August 30th 30th of August, 526, King Theoderic the Great, king of the Ostrogoths , a bird-like race of people who dressed in black and moped around all day with a depressed look on their faces, who lived in Italy, died of the Great Pooping, or, as it is better known, craps-a-lotta-blood. Or dysentery.   His 10-year-old son, Athalaric, took over, although it was his mother, Amalasuntha, who ruled as regent. Athalaric is known for his excesses. He drank a huge amount, ate even more, and wiped his nose on the crushed up remains of white hedgehogs. Oh, to be ten again. Those were great years.   On This Day In History, 30th of August, 1483, Louis XI, King of France, died.   He had various nicknames, such as The Cunning and The Universal Spider, because he was extremely cunning and devious, and because he had eight hairy legs.   At school he was known as Louis-You-Got-A-Huge-Snout, and Wets-His-Bed.   Both o...

HISTORY FACT - AUGUST 29th ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY - 29th of AUGUST.   29th August, 1350, an English fleet under the command of Edward III , and his son, the Black Prince, who wasn't black, defeated a Castilian fleet at the Battle of Winchelsea.   The Castilian fleet was under the command of a soldier of fortune. If you have a problem, and no one else can help, and you can find him, maybe you can hire, Don Carlos de la Cerda.   29th August, 1475, the Kingdoms of England and France signed the Treaty of Picquigny , stating there would be an everlasting peace for both kingdoms. Which lasted about five minutes. 29th August, 1484, Pope Innocent VIII, who wasn't entirely innocent , as he approved the hunting and execution of a whole bunch of witches, became Pope.   Are you a witch?   Yes.   BURN YOU WITHCY WITCH WHO DOES WITCHY THINGS.   Did You Know: When a new Pope is elected, all the Cardinals have to take a ...

HISTORY FACT AUGUST 25th On This Day in 1530, Ivan the Terrible was born.   Fifty-Four years later, Ivan the Terrible passed away in the arms of his long-term minion, Bogdan Belsky, shortly after they had started a game of chase-me-around-the-bedroom-in-a-mankini. Or as it was known back in the day, Chess.   Ivan the Terrible had a fearsome reputation and transformed Russia into an Empire. He was also the first person to be titled Tsar of all of Russia. He conquered, he butchered, he tortured, he killed, he played "Chess" with his minion.   However, his name was given to him by his wife on their wedding night. And not in a playful, seductive way: "Oh, Ivan, you bad boy. We shouldn't try that. Oh, you're so terrible." but rather in a... "You haven't done this before have you? You're terrible." sort of way.   After Ivan's terrible death, by the hand of his minion, we mean in the hands of his minion -- there's no...

HISTORY FACT - AUGUST 24th On This Day In History in 1680, Colonel Thomas Blood died.   Colonel Thomas Blood was most famous for his attempt to steal the British Crown Jewels.   On May 9th, 1671, the day after he visited a brothel, Thomas Blood came up with a cunning plan whilst applying ointment to his crown jewels -- he would steal the crown jewels!   Considering the punishment for attempting to steal the Crown Jewels was death back in the day, it wasn't just cunning, it was very brave. And completely stupid.   The Crown Jewels are kept in the Tower of London. It's basically a fortress and heavily guarded. Thomas Blood's plan was simple: make friends with the Master of the Jewel house, promise to wed his daughter to a fictional nephew, ask for a private showing of the Crown Jewels, then bash him over the head with a mallet.   And just for extra kicks, as it's better to be sa...

History Facts - August 23rd On the 23rd August, 30 BC, the first Roman Emperor, Octavian, who later became know as Augustus Caesar , decided to take out his frustrations on a sock.   However, when this didn't relieve the tension, he invaded Egypt and captured Marcus Antonius Antyllus, who had a very famous father.   Nope, it wasn't Darth Vader. It was, in fact, the one and only Marc Anthony.   Marcus Antonius Antyllus had been sent to Octavian as a peace envoy. With memories of the disappointing sock still fresh in his mind, it was all Octavian could do to not kill him where he stood. Instead, the Emperor dismissed the boy, kept the money and plotted his revenge on the one true Marc Anthony, and his wife, Cleopatra.   He got quite miffed when he found out Marc Anthony and Cleopatra had committed suicide before they could be captured. But, as it happens, and as luck would have it, the son of the Marc, often called dipstick by his friends, was s...

History Fact - August 22nd   On This Day In History in 1485, King Richard III of England was killed by Henry Tudor at the Battle of Bosworth Field.   Fun Fact: Richard III was the last English King to die in battle.   He died at the battle of Bosworth Field in 1485 after a series of serious but subtle, although very aggressive and devastatingly, devastating blows to his head.   In fact, he had 11 wounds in total, 8 of them to the head.   He died a fter his prized white hedgehog, which he rode into the Battle of Bosworth Field, screaming, "Treason," got stuck in the mud.   Probably should have used a horse.   As King Richard-The-Turd charged at Henry Tudor waving his Lightsaber (they were fighting a war over the correct colour of a rose), Richard got struck down by a large object to the back of his head. Possibly an air-to-king missile. We'll never know for certain. ...

History Fact - August 15th On This Day in History in 423, Emperor of the Western Roman Empire, Honorius, died of Edema. He wasn't the worst of the Roman Emperor's, although he wasn't a particularly good one. During his reign he witnessed the Sack of Rome by the Visigoths. It was the first time Rome had been Sacked in over 800 years. When Honorius was informed that Rome had perished, by one of his eunuchs who was also keeper of the poultry, the Emperor sank to his knees and cried. He whimpered, "And yet it has just eaten from my hands." The Eunuch replied, "... the friggin' heck are you talking about?" The Eunuch then realised that, unlike the eunuch, the Emperor had a very large cock. His favourite chicken was named Roma, after the great city itself. The Eunuch informed the Emperor Honorius of his mistaken confusion, and told him it was the city that had perished, not the chicken. Honorius breathed a huge sigh of relief. His cock was sa...

History Fact - August 14th   On This Day In History in 1040, King Duncan of Scotland (1st of his name) was killed in battle by the forces of Macbeth.   This is a prime example of not believing everything you read.   William Shakespeare would have you believe that Duncan was an old King and was killed in his sleep by his cousin, Macbeth.   In reality, Duncan was around 39-years-old when he marched into Moray with his army to settle a little tiff. Something about the best way to cook a battered mars bar.   The battle didn't go well for King Duncan and Moray's men sliced him up with swords made of Lego bricks which had been specially sharpened on the teeth of baby hedgehogs.

History Fact - August 6th   On This Day In History in 1504, Matthew Parker , who was the archbishop of Canterbury, was born.   Not entirely interesting in itself. However, Matthew Parker had an extremely long nose and was seen as a very inquisitive person, taking an interest in all church matters, even when they didn't concern him.   And that's where the phrase "Nosey Parker" comes from - Matthew Parker's nickname.   On This Day In History, August 6th 2012 , NASA's Mars Curiosity Rover landed on the surface of Mars. Mainly because it'd be a stupid thing to call the Rover if it was intended to land on Pluto.   Interesting Fact: Every August 6th, the Curiosity Rover sings itself Happy Birthday.   All alone, with no friends, singing itself Happy Birthday, is basically what my birthdays are like.