Historical Fun

Diary of a Time Traveller Out of Time Five seconds left. In five seconds I’m dead. No getting out of it this time. In the middle of the road, sprawled on my side after tripping on a pole, a car hurtling towards me. Yep, dead. Dead as a doornail. That’s what I’m gonna be in five seconds. Now comes my life flashing in front of my eyes. Bare with me, it’s normal. Born eleven years ago, have a Mum, Dad, and little brother, blah blah, all very boring. Grew up in a stupid little village with nothing to do. Totally boring. Went to school where I met Milo, my best friend. He’s great, not boring at all. Although this is all his fault. Yep, for sure. My upcoming death is all his fault. Must remember to come back and haunt him. Four seconds left. School was boring. Learnt, or is it learned? Never paid attention in English. I’ll go with learnt even if it doesn’t sound right. But who cares? I don’t. So, I learnt normal stuff--maths, English, history, geography, science, all boring. ...

Detective Bell stood outside the interrogation room thumbing through the folder. He had seen some sick things in his time, but nothing compared to this. How could anyone do such a thing? He heard approaching footsteps and glanced up. His partner, detective Roger End, was strolling down the corridor. “Have you read this?” Detective Bell asked. “Nope,” answered End. “Just heard the uniformed officers who brought her in bumped it over to us for some reason.” Bell held out the file. “You should read this before we go in.” End shook his head. “No time. I’ll read it when you start. Gotta wrap this one up quick. We’ve had a sighting of that Goldy Girl. SWAT is gearing up as we speak.” “I really think you should look at the file first.” “Oh, come on. It’s probably nothing we haven’t seen before.” Bell sighed. End was too stubborn for his own good and he’d suffer for it before the morning was over. Bell opened the door and they both entered the interrogation room. An old woman sat...

Murray Walker was born on this day in 1923. Yep, he is 90 years old today. Anyone who follows motorsport, and especially Formula One, will be familiar with the name. He was the voice of F1 for decades and is much loved by fans and professionals alike. For me, he made F1 better, and watching the races hasn't been the same since he retired 14 years ago. He was also famous for his "Murrayisms", and here are a few of the best: "Only a few more laps to go and then the action will begin. Unless this is the action, which it is!" "I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has. I imagine it must be some sort of grip problem." "And the first three cars are all Escorts, which isn't surprising as this is an all Escort race." "He is exactly 10 seconds ahead, or more approximately, 9.86 seconds." "Look up there! That's the sky!" "There's nothing wrong with his car except that it's on fire."...

We knew this day would come. It was the only logical progression. This old woman started by swallowing the fly. I don't know why she swallowed the fly. I was sure she'd die. But she didn't. She decided the only way forward was to swallow a spider. It wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. She swallowed the spider to catch the fly, why oh why did she swallow that fly? How did she not die? Of course from there it gets weird. She swallowed a bird, which sounds absurd, but she did nonetheless. She saw a bat, and said, "Not that." And instead swallowed a cat. Fancy that, yes, she swallowed a cat. She did this to catch the bird, which was absurd, and swallowed the bird to catch the spider. Such a stupid woman to swallow a spider, as it wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. She swallowed the spider to catch the fly. She must've been high when she swallowed the fly. She didn't die. Oh my god, she swallowed a dog. What a hog, she swallowed a dog. ...

Yes, she went and did it. This old woman swallowed a cow. Wow! She swallowed a cow! Now, a cow, I can understand. Cows are tasty. Who wouldn’t want to swallow a cow? Well, a whole one? Yes, I’ve been that hungry before. And slightly roasted they are very nice.   She swallowed the cow to catch the goat, straight down her throat went the goat. I wasn’t wearing a coat when I observed the goat slipping down her throat, safe on my boat, afloat. She swallowed the goat to catch the dog, yes, it’s obvious to anyone she was a hog for swallowing that dog. She swallowed the dog to catch the cat, fancy that, she swallowed a cat as it sat on a mat watching a fat rat called Pat sleeping in a hat.   She swallowed the cat to catch the bird, which was absurd, but she still did it. That’s one batty old biddy. She swallowed the bird, no matter how absurd, to catch the spider. And if there is one thing we’ve learned about spiders, it’s they wriggle and jiggle and tickle inside you. A go...

She swallowed a goat? Oh my god, this old woman is out of control. Someone stop her. I don’t care what anyone says, swallowing a goat is wrong. I don’t care if it slipped right down her throat, it’s a goat. However, she did it to catch the dog, as she was a hog for swallowing the dog and needed to rectify the situation. Of course, she swallowed the dog to catch the cat, fancy that, yes, she swallowed the cat. The cat was needed to catch the bird, no matter how absurd it sounds, as the cat is the only thing that can catch the bird. The bird was required to catch the spider. Oh my oh my, that frigging spider caused some discomfort. It wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. But, then again, it had to, as the purpose of its trip was to catch the fly, which was flying around pretty wildly, as it had just been swallowed by a batty old biddy. Why she didn’t die for swallowing that fly, I’ll never know.  

What the heck? Are you kidding me? How could she? This has to be the strangest and most mental old woman in the history of the planet. You may ask why? Why, I say? Well, she went and swallowed a dog. Yes, a dog! What a hog, she swallowed a dog. But, then it's understandable really. As she swallowed the dog to catch the cat, fancy that, she swallowed a cat. The reason, you may ask, that she swallowed that cat was to catch the bird. Absurd? Yes, a little, but the bird was necked so as to catch the spider. Oh, boy, the spider. It was crazy. The spider wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. However, she had no choice but to swallow the spider, no matter how it tickled, jiggled and wriggled inside her. Because, how else are you going to catch the fly? Yes, I know, she swallowed a freaking fly! A fly. Yes, a fly. I thought she'd die.

Okay, just found out this old biddy didn't stop at the bird, which was absurd. She swallowed a cat, yep, I know, fancy that, she swallowed a cat. For, it was told to her, that the cat would catch the bird, which really was quite absurd. She swallowed the bird to catch the spider, which, as we all know, as we've all swallowed a spider, wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. But, alas, she had no choice, as it was the only way to catch the fly. I couldn't, and still can't believe she didn't, as I was sure she would, die, for swallowing that fly.

Why would she swallow that fly? It doesn't make sense. Surely she knew she had to then swallow the spider, which, everyone knows, wriggles and jiggles and tickles inside her. After that you have no choice; you have to down the bird, which, I know, sounds absurd, but it's the only way to be certain. This is down to the simple fact that birds catch spiders, no matter how much they wriggle and jiggle and tickle inside you. And the spider catches the fly. Why, oh why, did she not die? I was almost certain she would.