Historical Fun

T'was the night before Christmas When all through the house Not a creature was stirring Except for that man-eating lion! It's coming to eat me! Someone save me. Please. Arrrghhhhhhhhhhh.

I was going to barf. Not because I was nervous about spending the summer at camp, but because Dad was driving like a man possessed. The speed was excessive as we drove down the motorway, but now we had hit the country roads, it was terrifying. The roads were narrow, lined with trees, and he took the bends like a Formula One driver chasing a victory. Dad was normally a very cautious driver and always obeyed the speed limits. If he didn’t, Mum would insist in her most insistent voice, which always worked. It was chilling to the bone. Yet no noise came from the passenger seat. Mum just stared out the window, silently willing Dad to go faster. At least that’s how it appeared. If I were a suspicious kid, I’d think they were overly keen on getting rid of me for six weeks. Dad yanked the steering wheel to the right. The car veered around the corner and, for a moment, I really thought we had lifted onto two wheels. “Dad, can you take it easy. I’m feeling--” “We have to get to th...

After some advice from a sharky-toothed literary agent, I decided to redesign my blog. Since I have no idea about design, colour schemes and whatnot, it's up to you guys who read this to tell me if it's okay or not. Now I'm going to have to come up with some stuff to blog about over Christmas. Hmm, that can't be too hard, can it?

It is rare I enter writing competitions on blogs or forums. But I decided to do so this weekend. Janet Reid (find her blog here:  http://jetreidliterary.blogspot.co.uk/  ) runs writing contests. This weekend the rules were simple: write a story in 100 words or less, but you must include the following words - lot, heroic, caring, alert, flammable. It really isn't easy to write a 100 word story and I struggled like crazy getting my word count under the limit. I finally managed it in 99 words and, although I didn't win, I did get a special mention from Janet on her blog, which was awesome. The version below, though, is not the one I posted. This is one with 123 words before I cut it to pieces. Sam stared at the old woman as she hobbled towards him. Each tap of her walking stick echoed around the hut. His mouth went dry. She was going to turn him into a frog, he knew it. That’s what witches did, after all. He had to keep alert. Not fall for her sneaky wi...

Diary of a Time Traveller Out of Time Five seconds left. In five seconds I’m dead. No getting out of it this time. In the middle of the road, sprawled on my side after tripping on a pole, a car hurtling towards me. Yep, dead. Dead as a doornail. That’s what I’m gonna be in five seconds. Now comes my life flashing in front of my eyes. Bare with me, it’s normal. Born eleven years ago, have a Mum, Dad, and little brother, blah blah, all very boring. Grew up in a stupid little village with nothing to do. Totally boring. Went to school where I met Milo, my best friend. He’s great, not boring at all. Although this is all his fault. Yep, for sure. My upcoming death is all his fault. Must remember to come back and haunt him. Four seconds left. School was boring. Learnt, or is it learned? Never paid attention in English. I’ll go with learnt even if it doesn’t sound right. But who cares? I don’t. So, I learnt normal stuff--maths, English, history, geography, science, all boring. ...

Detective Bell stood outside the interrogation room thumbing through the folder. He had seen some sick things in his time, but nothing compared to this. How could anyone do such a thing? He heard approaching footsteps and glanced up. His partner, detective Roger End, was strolling down the corridor. “Have you read this?” Detective Bell asked. “Nope,” answered End. “Just heard the uniformed officers who brought her in bumped it over to us for some reason.” Bell held out the file. “You should read this before we go in.” End shook his head. “No time. I’ll read it when you start. Gotta wrap this one up quick. We’ve had a sighting of that Goldy Girl. SWAT is gearing up as we speak.” “I really think you should look at the file first.” “Oh, come on. It’s probably nothing we haven’t seen before.” Bell sighed. End was too stubborn for his own good and he’d suffer for it before the morning was over. Bell opened the door and they both entered the interrogation room. An old woman sat...

Murray Walker was born on this day in 1923. Yep, he is 90 years old today. Anyone who follows motorsport, and especially Formula One, will be familiar with the name. He was the voice of F1 for decades and is much loved by fans and professionals alike. For me, he made F1 better, and watching the races hasn't been the same since he retired 14 years ago. He was also famous for his "Murrayisms", and here are a few of the best: "Only a few more laps to go and then the action will begin. Unless this is the action, which it is!" "I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has. I imagine it must be some sort of grip problem." "And the first three cars are all Escorts, which isn't surprising as this is an all Escort race." "He is exactly 10 seconds ahead, or more approximately, 9.86 seconds." "Look up there! That's the sky!" "There's nothing wrong with his car except that it's on fire."...

We knew this day would come. It was the only logical progression. This old woman started by swallowing the fly. I don't know why she swallowed the fly. I was sure she'd die. But she didn't. She decided the only way forward was to swallow a spider. It wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. She swallowed the spider to catch the fly, why oh why did she swallow that fly? How did she not die? Of course from there it gets weird. She swallowed a bird, which sounds absurd, but she did nonetheless. She saw a bat, and said, "Not that." And instead swallowed a cat. Fancy that, yes, she swallowed a cat. She did this to catch the bird, which was absurd, and swallowed the bird to catch the spider. Such a stupid woman to swallow a spider, as it wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. She swallowed the spider to catch the fly. She must've been high when she swallowed the fly. She didn't die. Oh my god, she swallowed a dog. What a hog, she swallowed a dog. ...

Yes, she went and did it. This old woman swallowed a cow. Wow! She swallowed a cow! Now, a cow, I can understand. Cows are tasty. Who wouldn’t want to swallow a cow? Well, a whole one? Yes, I’ve been that hungry before. And slightly roasted they are very nice.   She swallowed the cow to catch the goat, straight down her throat went the goat. I wasn’t wearing a coat when I observed the goat slipping down her throat, safe on my boat, afloat. She swallowed the goat to catch the dog, yes, it’s obvious to anyone she was a hog for swallowing that dog. She swallowed the dog to catch the cat, fancy that, she swallowed a cat as it sat on a mat watching a fat rat called Pat sleeping in a hat.   She swallowed the cat to catch the bird, which was absurd, but she still did it. That’s one batty old biddy. She swallowed the bird, no matter how absurd, to catch the spider. And if there is one thing we’ve learned about spiders, it’s they wriggle and jiggle and tickle inside you. A go...

She swallowed a goat? Oh my god, this old woman is out of control. Someone stop her. I don’t care what anyone says, swallowing a goat is wrong. I don’t care if it slipped right down her throat, it’s a goat. However, she did it to catch the dog, as she was a hog for swallowing the dog and needed to rectify the situation. Of course, she swallowed the dog to catch the cat, fancy that, yes, she swallowed the cat. The cat was needed to catch the bird, no matter how absurd it sounds, as the cat is the only thing that can catch the bird. The bird was required to catch the spider. Oh my oh my, that frigging spider caused some discomfort. It wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. But, then again, it had to, as the purpose of its trip was to catch the fly, which was flying around pretty wildly, as it had just been swallowed by a batty old biddy. Why she didn’t die for swallowing that fly, I’ll never know.  

What the heck? Are you kidding me? How could she? This has to be the strangest and most mental old woman in the history of the planet. You may ask why? Why, I say? Well, she went and swallowed a dog. Yes, a dog! What a hog, she swallowed a dog. But, then it's understandable really. As she swallowed the dog to catch the cat, fancy that, she swallowed a cat. The reason, you may ask, that she swallowed that cat was to catch the bird. Absurd? Yes, a little, but the bird was necked so as to catch the spider. Oh, boy, the spider. It was crazy. The spider wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. However, she had no choice but to swallow the spider, no matter how it tickled, jiggled and wriggled inside her. Because, how else are you going to catch the fly? Yes, I know, she swallowed a freaking fly! A fly. Yes, a fly. I thought she'd die.

Okay, just found out this old biddy didn't stop at the bird, which was absurd. She swallowed a cat, yep, I know, fancy that, she swallowed a cat. For, it was told to her, that the cat would catch the bird, which really was quite absurd. She swallowed the bird to catch the spider, which, as we all know, as we've all swallowed a spider, wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. But, alas, she had no choice, as it was the only way to catch the fly. I couldn't, and still can't believe she didn't, as I was sure she would, die, for swallowing that fly.

Why would she swallow that fly? It doesn't make sense. Surely she knew she had to then swallow the spider, which, everyone knows, wriggles and jiggles and tickles inside her. After that you have no choice; you have to down the bird, which, I know, sounds absurd, but it's the only way to be certain. This is down to the simple fact that birds catch spiders, no matter how much they wriggle and jiggle and tickle inside you. And the spider catches the fly. Why, oh why, did she not die? I was almost certain she would.

For those who don’t follow me on twitter, today’s “On this day” was about Edward II, who was killed in 1327 on orders from his wife, Isabella. It is rumoured, yes rumoured and not confirmed, that he was killed by the insertion of a red hot poker into his *cough* special place. Which sounds rather painful. But apart from his manner of death, Edward II is also remembered for being the first to have the title ‘The Prince of Wales’ and for being the first monarch to establish colleges at Oxford and Cambridge. And on the subject of The Prince of Wales, this week Prince Charles (the current Prince of Wales) became the longest serving heir apparent in history, having been the heir to the British throne since 1952. And the Queen keeps on going. Long live the Queen.

Over on twitter I post an ‘On this day’ in history post every day (catch me @ JedCullan). I thought I would expand on today’s post. On this day in 1945, the Enola Gay, a Boeing B-29 Superfortress bomber piloted by Colonel Paul W. Tibbets, dropped the first atomic bomb on the Japanese city of Hiroshima. The bomber took off from North Field airbase on Tinian, accompanied by two other B-29s, and made the historic journey to Japan in a little over six hours. Although Japanese early warning radar did detect the approaching bombers, no fighters were despatched to intercept them, and Hiroshima’s anti-aircraft guns, although on alert, were ordered not to fire. At 08:15am local time, the bomb, known as ‘Little Boy’, was released from a height of 31,060 feet. 43 seconds later it detonated at a pre-determined height of 600 meters, causing instant devastation. It is estimated that 70,000 people were killed within one second of the blast, with the number of casualties doubling soon after. ...

For those interested in writing fiction, a good way to start is by writing Super Short Stories. These are also known as Drabble Fiction or Flash Fiction. They are basically short stories with only one hundred words. Although this may sound easy, trust me, getting them right is tricky. However, they do have the advantage of being short, both for the writer and the reader. As an example, I have posted one of mine below. Since it was first published, the paying markets for Super Short Stories (particularly in the UK) has diminished. But, if you do some research, you'll find there are still a few markets out there. Don't be discouraged if you can't find any that are suitable, though. It may be worth a punt if you wrote half a dozen Drabble fiction and sent them to a magazine on the chance they like them and would make a special acquisition as a job lot for a one page special. Fortune favours the bold. You get nothing if you don't try. Good luck. -- His hand reaches ...

I seem to have dinosaurs on the brain at the moment. This is due in no small part to my love and fascination with them. Also, if you haven’t been following, I’m currently working on a novel which will feature these magnificent creatures. It’s a lot of fun writing a novel with dinosaurs. But I do have a dilemma: Which dinosaurs to include? I’ll be honest. The dinosaurs that make the cut are probably going to be my favourites. Most will be familiar to the reader, and at least a few will be terrifying. And you can’t get more terrifying than the Tyrannosaurus Rex, right? Maybe not. There’s a rumour going around that it’s not the greatest predator to walk the earth. Some scientists (You know, the ones that destroy childhood memories) are saying it’s not a predator at all. It is in fact a scavenger, very similar to the hyena. Its prey wasn’t other living dinosaurs (Hadrosaurs, Ceratopsians such as the Triceratops, and Sauropods like the Brontosaurus) which the T-Rex stalked, chased d...

When I was a kid, I loved dinosaurs. I couldn't get enough of them. I had books, little dinosaur toys and even a poster or two. My love of dinosaurs hasn't diminished. This is probably why I decided to write a novel with dinosaurs. Don’t get your hopes up just yet, though. The completion of the novel is some way off. I will, however, update this blog from time to time with news and stuff about my Work In Progress, or WIP, as it’s called. There you go. For anyone not familiar with writing or publishing, you've just learned a new term. WIP. The Work in Progress. I may give you more terminology as they come up. How lucky do you feel right now? Anyways, getting back to today’s post. The Brontosaurus. Yep, the Brontosaurus. One of my favourite dinosaurs when I was a little nipper. I had the little green Brontosaurus toy and would play with it often. It had a huge majestic neck and dumpy face, great thick legs and massive flat feet. It was one monster giant of a dinosaur. No...