Monday, 7 November 2016



On This Day In History in 1728, Captain James Cook was born.
Not the famous captain of the Starship Enterprise on a five year voyage to hook up with strange, new aliens. That was Kirk.
Captain James Cook was a British Captain in the Royal Navy. Britannia rules the waves.
He made loads of voyages, more than 7, which makes him better than Sinbad. He preferred limes rather than Spinach, which makes him slightly different to Popeye the Sailor Man, who lived in a caravan.
Captain Cook was famous for answering the age old question of what do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning.
It isn't what you'd think. You should not put him in a long-boat and make him bail her. Nor, put him in the guardroom till he gets sober. Nope, just whip the crap out of him with a cat-o'-nine-tails.
Captain Cook was the first recorded European to make contact with the East coast of Australia and the Hawaiian Islands. He was also the first to circumnavigate New Zealand.
Upon seeing that New Zealand was inhabited by dinosaurs and hobbits, he thought it safer to return to Hawaii.
Unfortunately, Hawaii wasn't that safe. He should have taken his chances with Frodo and the T-Rex.
St Valentine's day was meant to be a day of love and dangling your dingles in the nice, warm seas of the Caribbean island. Instead it turned into a nightmare for Captain James Cook of the Starship, Enterprise.
Well, it wasn't a Starship, it was a Royal Navy Sloop, the HMS Resolution, weighing in at 462 tonnes, slightly less than my grandmother.
Captain Cook had been on Hawaii for a month and was about to continue with his exploring of the Northern Pacific. Disaster struck. Their Wifi broke. As did their foremast.
Cook ordered the ship back to Kealakekua Bay for repairs.
It should have been simple. But arguments broke out between him and the locals. The tensions rose when a group of Hawaiians stole one of Cook's little boats.
A game of "come back here with my boat, you little gits" left Cook empty handed and he returned to his ship, without being able to catch that elusive wild goose that he chose to chase.
After mulling things over, he came up with a cunning plan: Kidnap the King.
He marched through the village to take the King, planning on holding him for ransom. The King actually went willingly.
But the King's favourite wife, of which he had many, had other plans. "You no take my Kingy, English scum."
At first she just sat down in front of him, begging him not to go.
When that didn't work, she resorted to other means.
She gathered a group of men and they cornered Captain Cook and his landing party as they neared the boats waiting to take them back to the ship.
One of the group, an old Kahuna Priest, distracted Cook by chanting rapidly whilst holding out a coconut. Because coconuts are really distracting.
Cook turned his back to help launch the boats. The villagers took their chance. One villager struck him over the head and another stabbed Cook to death as he fell into the water.
As well as Cook, four marines were also killed in the confrontation: Corporal James Thomas, Private Thomas Fatchett, Private John Allen, and Private Theophilus Hnks. Two more were wounded, but escaped.
The islanders took Cook's body back to the village and prepared it for his funeral.
They still held Cook in high regard, despite what happened, and gave him the rituals normally reserved for their Chiefs and Elders.
Captain James Cook was disembowelled, baked to a crisp which removed the flesh, his bones were then carefully cleaned for preservation.
They did return some of his remains to his crew for the Navy's formal burial at sea.

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