Tuesday, 8 November 2016



On this day in history in 1226, King Louis VIII of France died.
His reign as King of France didn't last long, just a mere three years. And his reign as King of England didn't ever happen. There's a signed bit of paper saying so.
Yes, he was King of England. Well, not actually, but sort of, perhaps, nah he wasn't, get back to France you French pretender.
To cut a long story short, Louis came to England on holiday as a not-yet-king-of-France. Whilst holidaying in the south of England, he got really plastered on an all night piss-up celebrating the fact his last remaining virgin dog had just got his leg over. Okay, it was with a teddy bear, but it still counts.
Completely sploshed, Prince Louis climbed atop a large wall, pulled his pants down and declared, mid-stream, as he really needed to go, that he was the new King of England.
The longer version: The English barons were a bit miffed with King John (the most hated king in English history) during the First Barons' War, as the King had banned them playing Pok√©mon Go. Sheesh, and he wondered why nobody liked him.
The barons invited Prince Louis over to England, along with his almost-not-a-virgin poodle. And an army. When the Prince arrived, the barons offered him the crown of England, in return for the secret locations of Piccachuchuchu.
The Prince agreed, entered London, as did his pet poodle.

London was not just the capital city, but also the name of a local peasant dog who was down on his luck after losing to four other dogs at poker.
Lots of people were at St Paul's Cathedral to witness Louis declared as King, including King Alexander II of Scotland. All paid homage. Louis then went about conquering a few other cities, including Winchester and Milton Keynes which, back then, was just a cow shed and a red light district for lonely dogs.
It was going so well for Louis, he was sure they would crown him proper, not just pretend, when he returned to London.
But then King John died.
The barons realised they were following a French prince, and that was bad. Very bad. They did a quick about-turn and proclaimed John's nine-year-old son, Henry, as King of England. They then tagged the number 3 onto his name, just to make it official.
All of England rallied around the new boy king, Henry III, and defeated the evil French imposter, repelling him back to Dover. Since he was there anyway, Louis tried to conquer Dover. Not a chance Mr. Frenchy Prince, go back to Calais.
All's well that ends well.
At the Treaty of Lambeth, an amnesty was given to all English rebels who supported the French Prince and future King of France, Louis VIII.
There was also a pledge from Louis that he would never attack England again on the condition he was paid 10,000 marks. It was also a condition of the money that Louis sign a written statement saying he was not, and had never been, the legitimate King of England.
Also in the small print was an arrest warrant for the Prince's poodle for crimes against a tortoise.

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