Sunday, 12 April 2015

This Week In History: 4th April - 10th April

Saturday 4th April - 1660
Charles-Not-Yet-The-Second has proclaimed The Declaration of Breda, promising a pardon for crimes committed during the Civil War. Included are those crimes committed against his father. In particular the one involving the removal of his head from his body. The Declaration of Breda is the first step in the restoration of the monarchy. And just because Charles-Will-Be-Second-And-Will-Get-His-Vengeance believed you can't commit regicide and get away with it, a lesson he was taught by reading Game of Thrones, doesn't mean he will hunt down and kill every git who had anything to do with his father's murder. Although he will.

Sunday 5th April - Easter Sunday
In local news: The body of one of the three criminals crucified atop a hill a few days ago, then buried inside a tomb, has gone missing. The stone covering the tomb was rolled aside and the tomb was found empty. A witness described the scene for the Online BBC News Service: The stone, you know, the one covering the tomb, it was rolled aside, it was, and call me a wet-kipper if that tomb wasn't empty.

Yep, a very helpful witness. But he did go on and add, "A bloke with long hair and a beard, who may have been wearing a dress, or the long robes that is traditional to wear for all of us, or an actual dress, walked down towards the sea. And a bunny rabbit winked at me."

Another witness, a young chocolate-egg maker who lived nearby, described his feelings: "Jesus Christ," I said. Because he startled me. But, saying that, it could've been that bloke, Jesus, come to think of it. Did look awful like him. Had a beard and long hair and had a bunny rabbit sitting on his shoulder. He stopped right in front of me and whispered, "The rock in front of my tomb was egg-shaped. Chocolate egg shaped." He then winked, hopped into his helicopter and flew off.
Click Here For Easter Traditions (Part 1-4)

Monday 6th April - 1199
Two weeks ago, we reported Richard-I-Ate-The-Heart-Of-A-Lion was shot by an arrow, shot by a bow, shot by a child, who will be shot with a shotgun in the face, as he shot the King.

The king was out driving in a Limousin in the grounds of a castle, when a small child resembling a French Tyrion Lannister, emerged atop the castle wall and shot him with a crossbow. After the king tried unsuccessfully to extract the arrow from his privates ... oops, tried to extract it in private ...  he called a surgeon, nicknamed the Butcher. That really is a great name for a doctor. Gives you confidence in his abilities. It's someone you'd take your kids to see for a check-up. Trustworthy. Professional.

During the highly delicate operation to remove the arrow, the Butcher lived up to his name and butchered the hell out of the king's appendage. And his arm. He failed to clean the wound, and it turned gangrenous. The Butcher reported afterwards that the king was expected to make a full recovery. He didn't. In fact, he died. Keeled over, writhing in pain, singing a pretty good rendition of Abba's Waterloo. The poor guy was delirious. Which is probably why he also declared the boy who shot him was to go unpunished and set free.

Tuesday 7th April - 1739
The notorious highwayman, Dick Turpin, who has a funny first name, was executed today in York for the theft of a horse. When he began his career as a highwayman, he would ride alongside the carriages of the rich on his horse, Black Bess, and tell the driver to stop. He would then open the carriage door, point his pistols inside and shout, "Your money or your wife." What he didn't realise, was that most people in this day and age valued their money more than their wife. This meant Turpin ended up with a lot of wives back in his secret Dick Turpin Hideout Cave, or Dick Cave, for short. Because of the overcrowding, he changed his demand to, "Your money or your life." Which was a much better business plan.

He retired to Yorkshire in luxury with loads of money, and plenty of wives, under the alias Penis Gherkin. However, that really was a silly name, because who would want to be called Gherkin? So he changed it to John Palmer. The lavish lifestyle and his ability to write a letter would be his downfall. The local magistrates arrested him and imprisoned him inside York Castle, suspecting him of being a Dick. Turpin was revealed when he wrote a letter to his brother-in-law from his prison cell detailing his cunning plan to escape, and once again change his name, this time to Manhood Burping. He was tried and sentenced to death by hedgehog.

Wednesday 8th April - 217
The Roman Emperor, Caracalla, is dead. And the world rejoices. That guys was an evil git. His rule was full of massacres and persecutions, and death, murder, kills. Caracalla was the eldest son of Septimius Severus, who went on to kill Dumbledore, and he ruled Rome with his father, until his father's death at the hands of Darth Vader. Caracalla then went on to jointly rule Rome with his younger brother, Geta, until he killed him for winning a game of Set-Fire-To-A-Hedgehog-And-Throw-It-At-A-Child.

Thursday 9th April - 1483
The King is Dead, Long Live The King. Yes, the handsome one, and didn't he know it, Edward IV, has died. His son, Edward V, who is only 12 years old, succeeds to the throne. We're pretty sure the young king will have a very long and successful reign, and we extend our condolences for the loss of his father. But who cares, you're KING. 

Edward is currently on his way to London, escorted by his loving and trusted uncle, Richard, Duke of Gloucester. No, wait, report just coming in: Edward has arrived in the capital and his uncle has him imprisoned in the Tower Of London. Well, I'm sure it's a mistake. His uncle is a nice guy. It'll get sorted.

This just in: Richard, Edward's gentle and kind uncle, has just kidnapped Edward's younger brother and locked him up in the Tower of London with Edward. Crikey, who saw that coming? But they can't keep the Princes in the Tower, as one of them is king. And, as a King, he'll order Richard to release him, and then rule for a very long time.

Okay, another report coming in: Richard has declared Edward a bastard, making him out to be an illegitimate son of Edward IV and not a rightful king. He has then declared himself the rightful king, and has become Richard III.

But Richard is a decent man. He'll look after the two Princes in the Tower. They won't simply disappear, never to be heard of again. And two children's skeletons won't then be found in 200 years buried beneath the stairs at the Tower of London.
Click here for 5 Fun Facts About Edward V

Friday 10th April - 1512
James, son of James, who will be V, as his father was IV, of Scotland, was born today. In about 17 months he will become King James V of Scotland due to a dispute his father had with the sharp end of an axe, which meant he was unable to continue to hold the position of king. As he was, you know, dead. There's a life lesson there, folks. Never head-butt an axe if you're a king. It rarely ends well. During his childhood, James will force poets to write him nursery rhymes in what appears to be Klingon, about, what appears to be ice-skating Klingons.
To princes als it is ane vyce,
To ryd or run over rakleslie,
Or aventure to go on yce,
Accordis nocht to thy majestie

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