Wednesday, 22 April 2015

5 Fun Facts About Evil Roman Emperors - Part One

Part one of 5 Fun Facts About Evil Emperors is about Caracalla, one of the worst most evil emperors you'll ever come across. This guy was not just bad, but total Whacko-Jacko-Someone-Didn't-Eat-Their-Greens-As-A-Kid evil.

1. Caracalla was Emperor between the 16th September 198 and the 8th April 217. He was the eldest son of Septimius Severus, who was most famous for killing Dumbledore in an elaborate plan that shocked the Potter world to its core. Caracalla had spent most of his youth and early adult life learning to cope with his father's betrayal of Harry Potter's mentor, and so he managed his anger by perfecting the evil art of puppy-kicking. This meant, when he finally became Emperor, he had all the training required to be an evil git.

Image result for caracalla facts1b. Caracalla started his reign as he meant to go on - miffed at having to rule jointly with his father. Co-Emperor doesn't have the same ring to it as Emperor. But he had a plan. Whilst on campaign in Britain, his father died at Eboracum (York, the old one, not the new one), in what can be described as suspicious circumstances. Basically, Caracalla killed him by stuffing his mouth full of poisoned hedgehogs.

2. Caracalla then had to rule jointly with his brother, Geta. He was miffed at this, too. Solution: he had him killed as well. And then he killed all of his brother's supporters and anyone who remembered his brother's name. This included his brother's wife, cousin, daughter, and pretty much all of the family. To say the guy was nuts would be an understatement. As he was a complete psycho.

3. Over in Egypt, they took the micky out of Caracalla in a play. But what can you do? Maybe write a bad review on Amazon? Give it only 1 star? Slag it off on Twitter? Nope. When Caracalla found out, he went ape nuts crazy. He took an army to Alexandria, invited everyone into the city square with the promise of free food and some light entertainment, which included juggling hedgehogs, and then slaughtered them all. He then burned the city to the ground, just in case no one got the point as to how peeved he was. Over 20,000 men, women and children died.

4. Caracalla waged war with Parthia, but came bearing the banner of peace. In the form of a wedding. He proposed a marriage with himself and the daughter of King Artabanus V of Parthia. At the wedding ceremony, he attacked his bride-to-be, her family, and all the guests, in a bloody massacre. King Artabanus only just escaped with his life. Wonder if Caracalla took any hints from George RR Martin on wedding celebrations?

5. Caracalla got what was coming to him. On the 8th April 217, he was piddling on the side of the road, playing let's drown the ants, when one of his personal bodyguards, Julius Martialis, stabbed him to death with a single sword strike. Whilst sliding the blade into his back, Martialis shouted, "Those ants were like family to me." Caracalla had also murdered Martialis' brother a few days early, which may also have had something to do with his motivation.  

Click here for 5 Fun Facts About Julius Caesar

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