Monday, 13 April 2015

Massacre At Jellystone Park

BREAKING NEWS - Massacre at Jellystone Park
The notorious Jellystone gang struck again last night in one of the most horrific crimes this reporter has ever witnessed. Whilst filming a nature documentary in Jellystone National Park about local wildlife, the local wildlife burst out of the trees and set upon a family of campers who were preparing their dinner.

Yogi Bear first appeared in 1958 as a supporting character in the Huckleberry Hound Show. So successful and loved, the mischievous bear was given his own show in January 1961. Yogi used to be a nice, gentle, law-abiding bear, until the day he met up with the evil Boo-Boo Bear.

From that day, Boo-Boo led Yogi down a dark path. A path he couldn't get off. One that would lead to tragedy and the crime this reported witnessed last night.

His criminal career started back in the sixties when he used to flash random families who happened to be visiting the picturesque park. Apart from a collar, those bears were bare. The holiday-makers were petrified at the sight of a bare bear, and even more frightened by the fact they could talk. Who has ever heard of a talking bear? It almost seems impossible. But this bear was certainly smarter than the average bear.

The next fifty years were filled with minor crimes, non of which were prosecuted. It was always thought the gang paid off the local park ranger, Smith, to look the other way. Even after the famous hedgehog-in-butter incident of 1977. And then, last night, the worst happened. Naked, apart from a collar, the two criminals, Yogi Bear and Boo-Boo, burst from the bushes, to the sound of whooshes, and tore into the helpless family's pic-a-nik baskets.

They ripped the sandwiches apart, devouring them first, right in front of the children. It was a sight no child should have to witness. They'll be traumatised for years. Next came the potato salad. It was a mess. Neither used a fork or spoon, but instead cut their claws deep into the bowl, scooping the potatoes into their mouths with no regard for etiquette or cleanliness. Their eyes glowing with a madness often only reserved for the devil himself, they sank their fangs into the pie. A blood-red cherry pie. It was delicious. The kids screamed, "No, not the pie." Which was a very bad idea.

Yogi turned his attention to them. Which is when this reporter fainted. So, I have no idea what happened next. When I woke, there was no sign of the Jellystone Gang, or the family. Either Yogi and Boo-Boo ate the whole family, then stole their camper van. Or, the bears finished their pic-a-nic and left. And then so did the family. But the campsite was covered in blood. It must have been a massacre. Or, maybe cherry-pie.

But just in case it was the massacre, if you see either Yogi Bear or Boo-Boo Bear, DO NOT APPROACH. Contact the local authorities. These bears are dangerous. And naked. They have killed before. They will kill again.

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