Sunday, 26 April 2015

This Week In History: 18th April - 24th April

This Week In History - A round up of interesting things that happened during this week in history.
Saturday 18th April - 1930
The BBC reported that there was no news, and then played out with piano music. Really? No news? Yippee! Go home early.

Sunday 19th April - 1770
Image result for starship enterprise
Captain James Cook, not the one in command of the Enterprise, cheats at I-spy when he thinks he is going to lose to his crew. It was a day like any other. The first round went well for the crew. B is for Barnacle. They congratulate each other. Captain Cook guessed correctly in the next round. M is for Mast. It was time for the decider. Captain Cook picks up his I-spy-glass, looks around the ocean, and says, "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with A." The crew took it in turns to guess. A is for Apple. Nope. A is for Apple. Nope, you just said that. Anyone else wanna guess? Spock pipes up, "Is A for Apple, Captain?" Captain Kirk, I mean Cook, shakes his head. "No, Commander, A is for Australia." The crew are aghast. What the heck was Australia? Blow me down with a gassy hedgehog if it wasn't the first time any European had encountered the land mass. They had no idea it was there. So, why would they even try to guess Australia? It should have been Apple. Captain Cook definitely cheated.

Monday 20th April - 1912
Bram Stoker was brutally killed by a vampire today, whilst trying to get to sleep. Five minutes before his death, he was heard whispering, "One sheep. Two sheeps. Three sheepies? Two sheep. Three sheeps. Three sheps? Ships? Oh, sod it. I'll Count Dracula instead." His body was found in the morning completely drained of blood.

Tuesday 21st April - 1509
Image result for henry viiiThe King is Dead. Long live the King. Okay, that phrase is still really confusing. Henry-The-Father-Of-The-famous-One, seventh of his name, died today after swallowing a hedgehog dipped in ear wax. Henry VII was the last king to win the crown on the field of battle. That field of battle was The Battle of Bosworth Field, both a battle, and an actual field, against the child and nephew killer, Richard III. Because of his death, the son of Henry-The-Seventh-Not-The-Last, called Henry-Of-The-Many-Numbers, became King of England. Wow, that's like fifteen Henrys. Upon ascending to the kinglyshop of the land of Eng, Henry climbed on top of the tallest pauper and sang, "I'm Henry the 8th I am. Henry the 8th, I am I am. I've been married to the girl next door, she's been married seven times before. But I'll only be married once, as I'm a loyal and trustworthy husband."

Wednesday 22nd April - 1970
The first Earth day was held today to celebrate ... I'm going to say the Earth. Okay dokey, that's boring, skip to the next one.

Thursday 23rd April - 303
Image result for chased by dragon
After many hours of tedious torture, St George, not actually a saint at time of death, had his head chopped off. For some reason this guy is a hero and the Patron Saint of England. But lest we forget, this is the man who killed a dragon. And killing dragons is wrong. It should never be rewarded by being canonised by the Pope. Unless it really does involve being shot out of one. And they really shouldn't be awarded a Patron of stupid Sainthood. Arggh, it makes my blood boil. I hate this guy. Dragons are awesome. We need more dragons. Go read 5 Fun Facts About St George-Is-A-Git if you want to know more. He's dead to me.

Friday 24th April - 1953
Image result for winston churchillAnd, as we watch, the Prime Minister, Winston Churchill, is walking slowly down the aisle of the throne room at Buckingham Palace. To be honest, the geezer doesn't look well. But what should we expect, he's getting on a bit. And fighting the Second World War almost single-handedly can't have been easy. He is passing the half-way point now. He is unsteady on his feet. He isn't walking in a straight line. He's leaning to the right, and his legs are following. And straight into the chairs. Oopsie daisy. There's a small commotion. But we're all British, so we pretend like nothing has happened.

He's back on his feet, and continues towards the throne where the young, new Queen Elizabeth II is waiting to receive him. After an hour, he makes it, and kneels at the queen's feet in preparation to be Knighted. She raises her sword to perform the dubbing, to the music of Dubstep. OH MY GOD. Winston Churchill sneezed as the Queen lowered her sword onto his shoulder. It's sliced right through his neck. His head is rolling across the floor towards the seated spectators. That is totally gruesome.

Luckily, the Queen has the finest seamstresses at her disposal. They were able to sew Churchill's head back on and he was knighted correctly. That was a heck of a close shave, though. All's well that ends well.

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