Sunday, 29 March 2015

In The News This Week 22-28th March

Sunday 22nd March - 2015
Richard III was reburied, again, today at Leicester Cathedral in a ceremony fitting a person of importance, if not a king. Because a ceremony fit for a king would have been a State Funeral. But at least it was better than how he was buried the first time round.

Richard III had been found in September 2012 in a local car park drunk out of his skull after consuming three barrels of rum, a normal occurrence in Leicester on a Saturday night. He was then beaten over the head with a toothpick by soldiers of Henry-Soon-To-Be-Seventh-Of-His-Name-Tudor, until he suggested something a little heavier, such as a surface-to-king missile. Or an axe. Mace. Something large, metal, and heavy. Definitely an object. Don't just hit him once. Hit him again. And again. One more time. Okay, another four should do it.

Leicester fought tooth and nail with the city of York to keep the King's body, instead of returning the skeleton to whence it came. To be, or not to be. Alas, poor Yorrick. I knew him, Horatio ... he said he wanted me to stay. Stay, I say. Leicester needs at least one tourist attraction to encourage people to visit.

Going camping this Christmas? Visit Richard III's camping shop. For now is the winter of our discount tents. Click for Fun Facts About Richard III.

In other news: Today was also the day we celebrated the anniversary of the publication of the first book of British nursery rhymes, Tommy Thumb's Song Book, by Mary Cooper, in 1744. The book included the well-known nursery rhyme London Bridge is Falling Down:

London Bridge is falling down,
Falling down, falling down.
London Bridge is falling down...
Oh, My God, It's an earthquake!
We're all gonna die!

Monday 23rd March 1430
Cheerful and joyful news today: We are glad to report the birth of Margaret of Anjou in the Duchy of Lorraine. She is the second daughter of Rene I of Naples and Isabella, Duchess of Lorraine. Celebrations all round, lots of drink and grub. But save some room for even more celebrations when she marries King Henry VI of England on 23rd April 1445, for things will start to get interesting. She has a cunning plan. This cute little bundle of innocence will become one of the principal figures in the War of the Roses.

In fact she will be the cause of the war, and will personally slaughter tens of thousands of English men, women and children. Her weapon of choice is a hedgehog-axe. Instead of a sharp axe-head at the top, it's a genetically engineered hedgehog stapled to a broom handle.

When her husband, Henry-Thinks-His-Wife-Has-A-Hedgehog-Axe, goes insane, Margaret steps in to rule the kingdom of England in his place. She will call a Great Council into being, but decides to exclude Anakin Skywalker, as he is just too powerful and dangerous. And that's just the kind of guy you want to alienate. Will no one think of the younglings? 

As Margaret will find out, it is a mistake to snub Anakin. He is aligned with the house of York, led by Richard-The-Grand-Old-Duke-Of-York, who had ten thousand men, in a merry night of passion, before marching them up and down that hill several times. They will all be slaughtered by York's rival in the War of the Roses, King Henry-The-Sixth-Not-Sith, who is from Lancaster. Yes, Lancaster, it's up north somewhere. 

Tuesday 24th March - 1603
Her Ginger-ness, The Queen Elizabeth (the first one), died today at the ripe old age of 69. She left no direct heirs, as that mop of ginger was actually a wig. This meant Parliament had to ask Scotland if they could borrow one of the late Queen's distant cousins. Scotland obliged and sent down their king, James VI, who asked to be re-branded when he arrived in London. Parliament agreed, did a quick Google search, and found there were no previous kings of England called James, so he would henceforth be known as James-The-First-To-The-Pub-The-Last-To-Leave.

Although Queen Elizabeth was old, and very old for the time period, called the Elizabethan Era for some reason, she was by no means a frail old lady pensioner. Until she found out that Zayn had left One Direction. After that she fell into a deep depression and an even deeper and unmoveable melancholy. She had been a big fan of One Direction and even had posters of the modern day pop group on her wall when she was a kid. Knowing Zayn was no longer a member, and that some people on twitter were adding an "e" to the end of his name, she couldn't go on, and died.

Elizabeth-The-First-Virginator-Queen was the daughter of Henry-Of-The-Way-Too-Many-Numbers and Anne-The-Sod-Had-Me-Head-Chopped-Off-Boleyn. Click to read 5 Fun Facts About Elizabeth I.

Wednesday 25th March - 1199
Richard-I-Eat-Lion's-Hearts has been shot. Today is a grave day for England. Our beloved and gentle King has been shot by an arrow, shot by a bow, shot by a child, who will be shot with a shotgun in the face, as he shot the King. It's shocking!

Details are still unclear, but it is said that the king was out walking in the grounds of Castle Limousin, the same castle he had besieged and then captured from the Viscount-Whose-Name-You-Can't-Pronounce, when a small child, or Tyrion Lannister, no one is quite sure, emerged atop the castle wall and shot him with a crossbow. The king was taken to his room where he tried to extract the arrow in private. However, as good as he was at extracting a heart from the chest cavity of a lion, he was not great at pulling arrows from arms.

A surgeon, nicknamed the Butcher, which is exactly the name you want in a surgeon, then extracted the arrow himself. During the process he seriously mangled the king's arm and failed to clean the wound, which has since turned gangrenous. The Butcher then covered the wounds, strapped them up, and he reports that the king is expected to make a full recovery.  

A follow-up report about the fate of the young boy who shot the king, who is expected to be executed for his crime, will be published in a week and a half. It will also include details of the king's death from the injuries he sustained from the Butcher.

Thursday March 26th - 1931
Leonard Nimoy was today born in Boston, Massachusetts (not an easy place to spell without the help of Google. And nope, I didn't cheat. So it's probably incorrect). In the future, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Leonard Nimoy is busting out of his grave to pound this writer to a pulp for putting a Star Wars reference into this sentence, instead of a Star Trek one.

Leonard Nimoy will be best known for singing the most awful song of all time, The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins, a song that once you hear, you can never un-hear, or get out of your head. Oh-My-God-I-Want-To-Kill-My-Ears-Right-Now-Get-It-Out-Help-Me-Help-Me-Help-Me.

Leonard Nimoy will also portray the pointy-eared first officer of the Starship Enterprise, Mr. Spock, in a show that becomes mildly popular quite sometime after it originally airs in 1966: STAR TREK. Click here for 5 Fun Facts About Star Trek's Spock.

Friday March 27th - 1625
England has a brand new king. Thanks to the death of James-Used-To-Be-Six-Now-Is-First, who got run over by a hedgehog driving a Ferrari, his son, Charles-This-Won't-End-Well, got an instant promotion at work. In the blink of an eye, he went from Charles Stuart, Prince of Wales, to King Charles-I-Is-Not-A-Spaniel-Please-Don't-Chop-Me-Head-Off. 

Charles will be the first King of England to be called Charles. And, as he will name his son "Charles", there will be at least one more. However, it is unlikely there will ever be a Charles III, as that guy will either die before his mother, the Queen, who wants to live forever, or will simply re-name himself when, and if, he doth ever become king. Maybe to George. Or Zathras.

The new king, Charles-I-Need-My-Head, will have a hard time over the next few years. Not only will he have to come to terms with his father being Scottish and only inheriting the throne through default as Elizabeth decided sex wasn't her thing, he will fight with Parliament in a civil war. Although it wasn't a very civil war. There was a lot of swearing and slapping each other around the face with a wet kipper, and ended up with Charles having his head chopped off in 1649. That's what you get when you insult Oliver Cromwell's plan to ban the eating of mince pies at Christmas. What-A-Git. Click here for more info on Oliver Cromwell banning Christmas.

Skip ahead to next week's Historical News Report: This Week In History.

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