Tuesday, 17 March 2015

5 Fun Facts About St Patrick

1. Every year on March 17th the world goes crazy for all things Irish. It's the date when we celebrate the anniversary of the death (in AD 461, or AD493, or AD492, or AD503, or 457, or, yeah, pick a date, it'll be as close as anyone else can guess at) of the most Irish bloke of all time, yes, Terry Wogan. Oh, wait, I meant St Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland. And green beer. However, St Patrick wasn't Irish. He was actually British. But he became Irish after studying Riverdance under an apprenticeship with Michael Flatterlyfeet and learning to say, "To be sure, To be sure."

2. St Patrick has something in common with Julius Caesar. Like Caesar, St Patrick was kidnapped by pirates. And I don't mean the ones who illegally record movies at the cinema, or the ones who sail around the Caribbean with Johnny Depp pretending to act. We're talking real life Irish pirates. They kidnapped the young St Patrick, who was just called Patrick back then, and took him to Ireland and enslaved him in captivity for six years. Which, as it turns out, is only half the requirement for a blockbuster movie. Plus, all he pretty much did was herd sheep and learn to dance without moving a muscle in his upper body. But, as he herded sheep, he heard the voice of God, and became a Christian.

3. St Patrick didn't stay in Ireland. After escaping his enslavement, Not-A-Saint-Yet-Patrick walked 200 miles (300 less than the Proclaimers) and found a ship bound for Britain. The captain wasn't going to let him on board, but his skills at dance became invaluable, and the captain relented in exchange for teaching him the magic of the Flatterlyfeet. Patrick returned to Britain and, for some reason, he and the entire ship's company left the comfort of said ship and walked through the wilderness for four weeks. 28 days later, they were starving, dehydrated and more than a bit lethargic, some might say "Zombie-Like", and they were about to give up on poor Patrick and chew his face-off, when they came across a group of wild boars, and two guys who were trying to out-weird each other. It was a miracle. They were saved. And Patrick rejoiced. It was the will of ... oh my god what the hell are you doing to those boars? At least kill them first. Or suck a mint.

The boars were a welcome feast, to be sure, to be sure. But, they needed to be cooked. Patrick gestured at some dried wood. "Okay, Frank, you go start a fire, we'll have a barbeque. Tony, you collect some mushrooms and spices. Matt, you ... For the love of ... Frank you can't start a fire by rubbing two hedgehogs together. Use the frigging matches. Sheesh, you guys are seriously starting to make my nipples itch. I should never have returned to Britain. After continuing my studies in the Christian religion, I shall return to Ireland and convert the carp out of them. Then we can celebrate my death every year in a feast of beer and merriment."

4. The Shamrock, a three-leafed plant, is the symbol of St Patrick. He used it to teach the doctrine of the Holy Trinity (the girlfriend of Neo who raged against the machines, the one with the expressionless face that can't act, and also his girlfriend). The Shamrock is green. That's just a fact to link to the next one. I'm pretty sure you knew it was green. Oh, speaking of green. Although everyone celebrates St Patrick's Day by colouring everything green, whether it be beer, hair, or rivers, St Patrick's favourite colour was blue, the original colour of his vestments.

5. St Patrick had a lot in common with Samuel L Jackson. Much like the acclaimed actor, St Patrick had had enough of those bothersome snakes, who appreciated their mothers a little too much, on his flying device, which was also extremely devoted to making its mother happy. And, with a lot less swearing than Samuel L Jackson, St Patrick got rid of all the snakes in Ireland. He then went about getting rid of any evidence there were any snakes in Ireland. There were some worms, though. But Worms On A Cliff doesn't sound as impressive as Snakes On A Plane.

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