Wednesday, 18 March 2015

5 Fun Facts About Zeus

*Disclaimer: Whilst all facts are true, the non-facts are not and, as you may notice, are greatly over-exaggerated. Take with a pinch of salt.

1. In Greek mythology Zeus is the father of gods and men. This tag is probably down to him bumping uglies with everything in site like a horny rabbit who just discovered Viagra. As such he had a lot of children. Athena, Persephone, Heracles (Hercules), and Helen of Troy, to name but a few. He is also god of the sky and thunder and king of the hill. That hill being Mount Olympus.

2. Zeus is the youngest son of Cronus and Rhea, who liked singing as they were driving home for Christmas. He had a lucky escape as a baby and was saved from being swallowed by his father when his mother hid him. Rhea, instead of handing over a sweet little baby to Cronus, she gave him a rock wrapped in a blanket, and he swallowed that instead. Cronus had all ready swallowed Zeus' siblings, which included Hades and Poseidon, who you probably know, and Hera, Hestia, and Demeter. I swear, if they weren't the main characters in those Percy Jackson books, no one has heard of them.

3. Zeus was raised by a goat. You have goat to be kidding me? Nope, he really was raised by a goat, well, according to at least one version of events. But he could have been raised by Gaia, one of several nymphs, a shepherd's family, or even Angelina Jolie. No one is really sure. The goat and the nymph hid him from his father's all-seeing eyes by dangling him at the bottom of a rope from a tree, which some might say is pretty cruel to a baby. But it could have been worse. They kept the baby's crying from being heard by the mighty Cronus by getting a bunch of soldiers and mini-gods to dance beneath the baby clashing their swords and spears on their shields, shouting and screaming, and generally making as much noise as possible. Seems totally logical to me. That's exactly what you do to stop a baby from crying. It's a fact.

4. Zeus slashed his father's belly open with a tooth-pick. Cronus had swallowed his brothers and sisters, so when Zeus reached adulthood, he wanted to rescue them. Cronus wouldn't agree to an enema, which meant belly-slashing was the only option. With his siblings free, they defeated Cronus and the other Titans and banished them to the deepest darkest part of Tartarus. Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades then played a game of twister to see who would rule the skies, the seas, and Hades is gonna get stuck with the underworld no matter what, as he's really bad at twister. 

5. Zeus married his sister, Hera. Which is just wrong on so many levels. No wonder he played away a lot. And I do mean a lot. He fathered children with over 50 women, one goat, and a hedgehog. And he was sneaky about it, too. He made love to the Spartan Queen, Leda, as a swan, producing two sets of twins. He appeared as a horse to the hedgehog, who almost had a heart attack, until Zeus changed into something a little more manageable.


Michael G. Munz said...

Great post! :D I'm not sure what it means that the primary products of the union between Zeus and Hera was the god of war...

And I've heard of Hera, Hestia, and Demeter! Even gave them roles in my book! (Well, okay, so Hestia doesn't do much beyond help out with a net and make oatmeal, but...

Jed Cullan said...

Thanks, Michael, and you can never over-estimate the importance of the making of oatmeal.