Tuesday, 24 March 2015

5 Fun Facts About Elizabeth I

1. Elizabeth-The-First-Of-Her-Name ruled all England for a Golden Age of 44 years. She became Queen on the 17th November 1558 after her big, and very ugly, sister died (big as in older, not as in bigger, although she was plump). Elizabeth reigned until she eventually kicked the bucket, which had a family of hedgehogs living inside, who also died, on the 24th March 1603. The Tudor Dynasty was at an end. Her reign was the third longest reign of a British Queen (Victoria and Elizabeth-Part-Two-Never-Gonna-Give-This-Up, being top), and the Eighth longest ruling British Monarch.

2. During Elizabeth's Elizabethan Era, she oversaw the defeat of the Spanish Armada, the introduction of tobacco and potatoes, and the still-popular tradition of giving life-sized gingerbread men to people she liked. She was a big fan of the sugar, was our virgin Queen. Oh, and she was a virgin. Sheesh, almost forgot to mention that little fact. She didn't bonk anyone. At all. Which is the official line and we're sticking to it. She did have loads of marriage proposals, though, but turned them all down in favour of a marriage with England. Makes me wanna stand up and sing God Save the Queen. Or at least Bohemian Rhapsody by the Queen. Wow, she is talented.

3. Elizabeth was crowned on the 15th January 1559 in a ceremony fit for a king. However, there were none available, so Elizabeth got the job. As we all know (and this won't happen for much longer, as legislation has all ready been passed to make boys and girls equal in the line of succession), a boy will inherit the throne before a girl. Even if the girl is older. Elizabeth was the daughter of Henry-Of-The-Way-Too-Many-Numbers and Anne-The-Sod-Had-Me-Head-Chopped-Off-Boleyn. But she wasn't the eldest daughter. Nope, that went to Mary, who was the daughter of Henry-The-Eighth-Portion-Of-Steak-And-Roast-Potatoes-Didn't-Fill-Me-Up and his first wife, Catherine of Aragon. So she got dibs on the throne first. Although, as boys inherit the throne before girls, it actually went to their younger half-brother, Edward-I'm-A-Prince-Not-A-Pauper, son of Henry-The-Eighth-I-Am-I-Am by his third wife, Jane Seymour. But he died. So it went to Mary. Then she died. So it went to Elizabeth.

4. Elizabeth was only a princess for the first two years of her life. After her mum died from a serious and fatal case of axe-to-neck, her father stripped the Princess Elizabeth of her royal title, demoting her to Lady Elizabeth instead. If that wasn't bad enough, she also had her iPad and iPhone confiscated and could only get access to twitter by plugging a swan into next-door's WiFi and a woodpecker into the swan. And when her big sister (who hated Elizabeth) became Queen of England, she stormed into Elizabeth's bedroom and pulled down all her One Direction posters.

5. Elizabeth was a very beautiful Queen. Well, maybe, maybe not. It's said she had black teeth from eating too much sugar, took a bath only once a month, and wore a bucket load of white make-up, not to denote her virginity, but to hide the scars from a bout of smallpox. So, kissing her would be like kissing one of the Aliens Sigourney Weaver romped about with. Yep, Elizabeth would be one helluva surprise on your blind date. Take mints. And air-freshener. And a life-sized gingerbread man.

1 comment:

Colin Smith said...

I believe she wore a wig, too. Though that may have been fashionable. Saves a lot on shampoo, too.

And she died on my birthday. Albeit a few hundred years before I was born. Just in case you were thinking I had something to do with it... :)