Monday, 9 March 2015

Fun Facts About William the Conqueror (Outtakes)

Yesterday's blog post about William the Conqueror was longer than anticipated, and I cut a lot out before posting it to the blog. For example, before editing, the post was a lot ruder. There was one particular word that kept popping up over and over again. Not sure why? But I soon realised less is more. You may have guessed the word in question. Needless to say, it's used a lot below. Plus, I took out all mentions of monkey prostitutes.

So, here are a few of the outtakes that didn't make it. A lesson in knowing what to include in your final product, and what to extract.

What's in a name?
A conversation with William the Bastard (aged 5) and his father, Robert the Magnificent.

William the Bastard:  Daddy, why do the other kids call me William the Bastard?
Robert the Magnificent:  Well, Son, you stole your best friend's bike, pulled the hair of that girl you like, and punched the classroom tortoise in the face. What do you expect? You're a complete and utter--
William the Bastard:  Oh, so it's not because you and Mommy aren't married?
Robert the Magnificent:  Could be that, too.

And, later that day:

Where did Robert the Magnificent get his name?

William the Bastard:  Daddy, why do they call you Robert the Magnificent?
Robert the Magnificent:  It was a name given to me when I visited all those brothels looking for your mother. Some men just get a certain reputation.
William the Bastard:  Can I go outside and play conkers now?

Robert the Magnificent:  No, do your homework. You'll never get anywhere in life conkering.
A light bulb (which hadn't been invented yet) goes PING above William the Bastard's head.

The Norman Conquest - A conversation between two Norman soldiers
William-The-Conker-Player invaded England in 1066 with his Norman army, which has since become known as the Norman Invasion. Yep, he invaded England with an army made up entirely of people called, "Norman."

"Yo, Norman, wanna come invade England?"
"Would love to, Norman. But why?
"There's no one called Norman over there."
"Oh, you know who we should invite to come along?"
"Norman. We should get Norman to come with us."

A year after the Norman conquest, the top four baby Names were:
1. William
2. Norman
3. Apple
4. Bastard

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