23 August - On This Day In History

Executions - ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY

 

On the 23rd August, 30 BC, the first Roman Emperor, Octavian, who later became know as Augustus Caesar, decided to take out his frustrations on a sock. However, when this didn't relieve the tension, he invaded Egypt and captured Marcus Antonius Antyllus, who had a very famous father.

 

Nope, it wasn't Darth Vader. It was, in fact, the one and only Marc Anthony. Marcus Antonius Antyllus had been sent to Octavian as a peace envoy. With memories of the disappointing sock still fresh in his mind, it was all Octavian could do to not kill him where he stood. Instead, the Emperor dismissed the boy, kept the money and plotted his revenge on the one true Marc Anthony, and his wife, Cleopatra.

 

He got quite miffed when he found out Marc Anthony and Cleopatra had committed suicide before they could be captured. But, as it happens, and as luck would have it, the son of the Marc, often called dipstick by his friends, was seen hugging a statue of the God Julius. Well, that was what he said he was doing. The gyrating was merely a form of ritual prayer.

 

Octavian took him prisoner, explained he should have used a sock like any normal pervert, and then had him executed for having the same name as his father.

 

It's not fair, oh, it's Pharaoh 

 

Also on the 23rd of August, in the year 30 BC (which stands for Bourbon Creams, which wouldn't be invented for another thirty years. Yep, how did these people live without those delicious chocolate biscuit goodness?), Octavian, not content with one execution, decided to kill another son of a famous Roman General.

 

Later that day it was Caesarion, king of Egypt, and the only child of Julius Caesar and Cleopatra, who would suffer the wrath of the future Augustus Caesar.

 

All this was basically done to secure his position as Emperor of Rome. He didn't want any other claimants popping up and taking what wasn't rightfully his.

 

 

It takes a Brave Heart to not shed a tear whilst watching that movie.

 

On the 23rd of August, 1305, William Wallace, starring in one of the worst and most historically inaccurate movies of all time, who tried to free Scotland from those barbaric English, was executed.

 

T'was a gruesome death.

 

First he was hanged, then he had his head chopped off, before his body was chopped into four pieces.

 

They were displayed around the country to discourage Mel Gibson from making anymore movies.

 

Who else ran from the cinema shouting, "FREEDOM. Give us our freedom. And out money back."

9th July - On This Day In History

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY - 9TH JULY

 

9th July 1540, King Henry-of-the-many-numbers(8) had enough of wife number four, Anne of Cleves and has their marriage annulled. Off with her head.

 

Nope. Not this time. The annulment was given on grounds they didn't boink, which is hard to believe, but there you go.

 

Anne actually outlived all of Henry's other wives and is treated quite well. Henry referred to her from then on as the King's Beloved Sister. No wonder they didn't boink. That'd be sick.

 

9th July 1609, Bohemia is granted the freedom of religion by the Holy Roman Emperor, Rudolph II, who had a very shiny nose. It was red, according to accurate reports.

 

Less accurate reports suggest he also had antlers, was best friends with Santa, and pulled a sleigh.

 

9th July 1815, Charles Maurice de Talleyrand Perigold became France's first Prime Minister. He served under various kings, as well as Napoleon, and then re-established the French monarchy after Napoleon's downfall.

 

He was sneaky, crafty, and cynical as was everyone towards him, and switched sides more times than a thing that switches sides a lot.

 

9th July 1850, President Zachary Taylor died.

 

He was the 12th President of the United States and one of a handful that died during his time in office.

 

He died of a stomach complaint that many believe was actually an Alien bursting from him, which then went on to consume his face before being killed by a predator.

 

 

 

9th July 1877. the inaugural Wimbledon tennis championships began. Game, Set, Don't light those matches you'll burn the place down.

 

 

 

9th July 1900, the inmates finally took over the prison.

 

Queen Victoria gave her Royal Assent to an Act of Parliament (the British parliament) creating Australia, and threw some shrimps on the Barbie, mate.

 

Happy Constitution Day, Australia.

 

 

9th July 1922, Jonny Weissmuller broke the world swimming record in the 100 meters freestyle and also broke the minute barrier as well.

 

He swam it in 58.6 seconds.

 

He later went on to become my favourite Tarzan actor, before going bananas for Cheetah. Me Tarsan, you Jane.

8th July - On This Day In History

On This Day In History - 8th July

 

8th July 975, Edgar the Peaceful, King of England, died. Ironically, despite his name, his rule of England was anything but peaceful.

 

In fact, it was full of conflict and murder, death, kills.

 

But, there was also pancakes.

 

8th July 1099, during the First Crusade, 15,000 starving Christian soldiers marched around Jerusalem in a religious procession whilst the Muslim defenders look on.

 

"What the heck are they doing?"

"Protesting, I guess?"

"At what?"

"Something to do with the corruption in the professional game of soccer, I think."

"We should join them. That's a pretty serious and just cause."

 

8th July 1859, King Charles XV & IV becomes king of Sweden and Norway.

 

Yep, you're wondering the same thing as I am. Is he Charles XV or IV? Or are there two of them?

 

He is Charles XV of Sweden, and Charles IV of Norway. However, then it gets complicated.

 

He was in fact the ninth king called Charles in Sweden, and should be Charles IX. But, his predecessor made up a load of crap and re-invented certain parts of Swedish history, and so messed around with the number of kings called Charles.

 

So, Charles is therefore Charles XV. Or, just call him Carl.

 

8th July 2011, the Space Shuttle Atlantis is launched in the final mission of the US Space Shuttle program. Mainly, they don't need the space shuttles anymore.

 

Aliens handed the US government transporter technology. They then awarded the contract to UBER who decided to eradicate any evidence of it so they can keep on using unqualified, unfit drivers to ferry people around the planet's major cities.