Monday, 31 August 2015

31st of August - On This Day In History

Image result for baby kingON THIS DAY IN HISTORY - 31st of AUGUST
31st of August, 1422, King Henry V of England, the second king from the House of Lancaster, died of Something-Wrong-With-Me-Poops and That-Curry-Has-Some-Serious-Consequences.
This left his son, Henry VI, free to claim the throne. He demanded all bow down to him as supreme ruler of the milky-milky-sucky-nipple people.
Henry VI was only 9-months-old when he became king.
Image result for lois and clark31st of August 1803, Lewis and Clark began their most famous of expeditions to the west when they left Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
It would take the entire journey, and more than a few coincidences, before Lewis found out that Clark had a secret identity.
Image result for jack the ripper
31st August, 1888, Mary Ann Nichols is murdered. Although never proved, the common consensus is that she was killed by a secret society of aliens who had been living in London for the last three hundred years.
Nah, Mary Ann Nichols was brutally murdered and it is thought she was the first victim of the infamous Jack the Ripper.
Image result for diana princess of wales media manipulation
31st of August, 1997, Diana, Princess of Wales, was brutally murdered by the dashboard of a car whilst on a field trip to Paris to secure the distribution rights for her now famous Crocodile Tears perfume.
It was a true rags to riches story for Diana.
She was born into a poor family who had to scrimp and save for the essentials of life such as toilet paper, but mainly went without as money was tight. Instead, more often than not, Diana had no choice but to wipe her bottom on cigarette butts that had been thrown at her by uncaring passers-by as she begged for scraps of food.
Diana made a wish upon a star, and when that didn't work, she did the rounds, rubbing Genies for a bit of extra cash. Until one day, her wish came true. She met a dashing young man that she would soon marry.
However, that dashing young man soon found out she was deranged and kicked her in the dangly-fun-sacks, as she also had male reproduction organs, as well as those of a female, plus those of a hairy polar bear.
Another young man, this time not so dashing, and actually not that young, took pity on her and made her a princess, a Princess of Wales, and dolphins.
They married and lived happily ever after. Until she bravely spoke out and escaped the misery of the life of splendour and glamour and privilege she had married into.
It was at that point the Royal family sent a team of monkey assassins to take her out. Or, did they? Yes. Yes, they did. Monkey Assassins. They're real.

Sunday, 30 August 2015


Image result for theodoric the great king of the ostrogothsON THIS DAY IN HISTORY - 30th of AUGUST
30th of August, 526, King Theoderic the Great, king of the Ostrogoths, a bird-like race of people who dressed in black and moped around all day with a depressed look on their faces, who lived in Italy, died of the Great Pooping, or, as it is better known, craps-a-lotta-blood. Or dysentery.
His 10-year-old son, Athalaric, took over, although it was his mother, Amalasuntha, who ruled as regent. Athalaric is known for his excesses. He drank a huge amount, ate even more, and wiped his nose on the crushed up remains of white hedgehogs. Oh, to be ten again. Those were great years.
Image result for louis xi30th of August, 1483, Louis XI, King of France, died. He had various nicknames, such as The Cunning, and The Universal Spider, because he was extremely cunning and devious, and because he had eight hairy legs.
At school he was known as Louis-You-Got-A-Huge-Snout, and Wets-His-Bed.
Both of those nicknames were started by his own father, Charles VII, as the two didn't get along. Probably why, a few years later, Louis tried to overthrown his daddy in an open rebellion. It didn't go well, and his father banished him from the kingdom.
Image result for frankenstein
30th August, 1797, RUN, EVERYBODY RUN, the monster has gotten loose and it's eating a moose. On this day, back in the day, Mary Shelley, the English author of the most famous monster in the world, Frankenstein, was born.
And, Did You Know, Frankenstein is not the name of the monster.
Image result for lego ships30th August, 1799, the Dutch had a very bad day. And that's putting it mildly. Their entire fleet was captured by the British forces under the command of Sir Ralph Abercromby and Admiral Sir Charles Mitchell during the War of the Second Coalition.
Image result for shrimp on the barbie30th August, 1835, Melbourne is founded.
Let's thrown a shrimp on the Barbie and celebrate.
It was named in honour of the British Prime Minister, William Lamb, 2nd Viscount Melbourne.
A few years later, in 1847, Queen Victoria declared, "Let it be a City, for all to enjoy, even those jumping things. Wooopya-diddly-dang. G'Day, Mate."
Image result for apollo 1330th of August, 1836, the city of, OH MY GOD, Whitney, WE HAVE A PROBLEM, was founded by Augustus Chapman Allen and John Kirby Allen.

Saturday, 29 August 2015


Image result for battle of winchelseaON THIS DAY IN HISTORY - 29th of AUGUST.
29th August, 1350, an English fleet under the command of Edward III, and his son, the Black Prince, who wasn't black, defeated a Castilian fleet at the Battle of Winchelsea, in the sea, where the water is, under the command of a soldier of fortune. If you have a problem, and no one else can help, and you can find him, maybe you can hire, Don Carlos de la Cerda.
29th August, 1475, the Kingdoms of England and France signed the Treaty of Picquigny, stating there would be an everlasting peace for both kingdoms. Which lasted about five minutes.
Image result for witches burning at the stake29th August, 1484, Pope Innocent VIII, who wasn't entirely innocent, as he approved the hunting and execution of a whole bunch of witches, became Pope.
Are you a witch?
Did You Know: When a new Pope is elected, all the Cardinals have to take a gander at his swing-lows, to make sure he is a dude.
29th of August, 1756, Fredrick the Great, king of Prussia, who was totally great, attacked Saxony. It sparked the Seven Years' War, which lasted for approximately seven years, and happened back in the day when they were really bad at naming wars.
Image result for nerd picking up girl29th August, 1831, Michael Faraday, call-me-mike, discovered Electromagnetic induction, for the sole purpose of picking up women at bars. The first part of his plan was a huge success. The second part, not so much. It wasn't until a few hundred years later that nerds would become cool.
Image result for 365 condoms29th August, 1898, the Goodyear tyre company was founded, for the sole purpose of the following joke:
What is the difference between a tyre and 365 condoms?
One is a Goodyear, the other is a great year.
Tyre or Tire? Which way do you spell it?
Image result for richard attenborough jurassic park
29th of August, 1923, Richard Attenborough, who spared no expense in building a totally awesome park full of dinosaurs, was born.
Question of the Day: Given the amount of accidents that occurred, would you visit Jurassic Park if it were to be built today?
Leave your answers and comments below.