Wednesday, 31 August 2016

History Fun Facts August 31st

HISTORY FACTS - August 31st

On This Day In History, 31st of August, 1422, King Henry V of England, the second king from the House of Lancaster, died of Something-Wrong-With-Me-Poops and That-Curry-Has-Some-Serious-Consequences.
This left his son, Henry VI, free to claim the throne. He demanded all bow down to him as supreme ruler of the milky-milky-sucky-nipple people.
Henry VI was only 9-months-old when he became king.
On This day, 31st of August 1803, Lewis and Clark began their most famous of expeditions to the west when they left Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
It would take the entire journey, and more than a few coincidences, before Lewis found out that Clark had a secret identity. The glasses were a perfect disguise.
31st August, 1888, Mary Ann Nichols is murdered. Although never proved, the common consensus is that she was killed by a secret society of aliens who had been living in London for the last three hundred years.
Nah, Mary Ann Nichols was brutally murdered and it is thought she was the first victim of the infamous Jack the Ripper.

Tuesday, 30 August 2016

Historical Fun Facts - August 30th

History Facts - August 30th

30th of August, 526, King Theoderic the Great, king of the Ostrogoths, a bird-like race of people who dressed in black and moped around all day with a depressed look on their faces, who lived in Italy, died of the Great Pooping, or, as it is better known, craps-a-lotta-blood. Or dysentery.
His 10-year-old son, Athalaric, took over, although it was his mother, Amalasuntha, who ruled as regent. Athalaric is known for his excesses. He drank a huge amount, ate even more, and wiped his nose on the crushed up remains of white hedgehogs. Oh, to be ten again. Those were great years.
On This Day In History, 30th of August, 1483, Louis XI, King of France, died.
He had various nicknames, such as The Cunning and The Universal Spider, because he was extremely cunning and devious, and because he had eight hairy legs.
At school he was known as Louis-You-Got-A-Huge-Snout, and Wets-His-Bed.
Both of those nicknames were started by his own father, Charles VII, as the two didn't get along. Probably why, a few years later, Louis tried to overthrown his daddy in an open rebellion. It didn't go well, and his father banished him from the kingdom.
On the 30th of August, 1797, RUN, EVERYBODY RUN, the monster has gotten loose and it's eating a moose and a goose.
On this day, back in the day, Mary Shelley, the English author of the most famous monster in the world, Donald Trump, and also Frankenstein, was born.
And, Did You Know, Frankenstein is not the name of the monster.
On This Day In History, 30th August, 1835, Melbourne is founded.
Let's thrown a shrimp on the Barbie and celebrate.
It was named in honour of the British Prime Minister, William Lamb, 2nd Viscount Melbourne.
A few years later, in 1847, Queen Victoria declared, "Let it be a City, for all to enjoy, even those jumping things. Wooopya-diddly-dang. G'Day, Mate."

Monday, 29 August 2016

Historical Facts for August 29th


29th August, 1350, an English fleet under the command of Edward III, and his son, the Black Prince, who wasn't black, defeated a Castilian fleet at the Battle of Winchelsea.
The Castilian fleet was under the command of a soldier of fortune. If you have a problem, and no one else can help, and you can find him, maybe you can hire, Don Carlos de la Cerda.
29th August, 1475, the Kingdoms of England and France signed the Treaty of Picquigny, stating there would be an everlasting peace for both kingdoms. Which lasted about five minutes.

29th August, 1484, Pope Innocent VIII, who wasn't entirely innocent, as he approved the hunting and execution of a whole bunch of witches, became Pope.
Are you a witch?
Did You Know: When a new Pope is elected, all the Cardinals have to take a gander at his swing-lows, to make sure he is a dude.
29th of August, 1756, Fredrick the Great, king of Prussia, who was totally great, attacked Saxony. It sparked the Seven Years' War, which lasted for approximately seven years, and happened back in the day when they were really bad at naming wars.

29th August, 1831, Michael Faraday, call-me-mike, discovered Electromagnetic induction, for the sole purpose of picking up women at bars.

The first part of his plan was a huge success. The second part, not so much. It wasn't until a few hundred years later that nerds would become cool.

On This Day, 29th August, 1898, the Goodyear tyre company was founded, for the sole purpose of the following joke:
What is the difference between a tyre and 365 condoms?
One is a Goodyear, the other is a great year.

On This Day, 29th of August, 1923, Richard Attenborough, who spared no expense in building a totally awesome park full of dinosaurs, was born.

Do you have a favourite dinosaur? Leave a comment below.

Thursday, 25 August 2016

History Fun Fact August 25th


On This Day in 1530, Ivan the Terrible was born.
Fifty-Four years later, Ivan the Terrible passed away in the arms of his long-term minion, Bogdan Belsky, shortly after they had started a game of chase-me-around-the-bedroom-in-a-mankini. Or as it was known back in the day, Chess.
Ivan the Terrible had a fearsome reputation and transformed Russia into an Empire. He was also the first person to be titled Tsar of all of Russia. He conquered, he butchered, he tortured, he killed, he played "Chess" with his minion.
However, his name was given to him by his wife on their wedding night. And not in a playful, seductive way: "Oh, Ivan, you bad boy. We shouldn't try that. Oh, you're so terrible." but rather in a... "You haven't done this before have you? You're terrible." sort of way.
After Ivan's terrible death, by the hand of his minion, we mean in the hands of his minion -- there's no proof of anything, it was just a heart attack -- the title Tsar, and the Russian throne, went to his incompetent and childless middle son, Feodor, because Ivan had killed his eldest son and heir during a temper tantrum.

Wednesday, 24 August 2016

history fact august 24th


On This Day In History in 1680, Colonel Thomas Blood died.
Colonel Thomas Blood was most famous for his attempt to steal the British Crown Jewels.
On May 9th, 1671, the day after he visited a brothel, Thomas Blood came up with a cunning plan whilst applying ointment to his crown jewels -- he would steal the crown jewels!
Considering the punishment for attempting to steal the Crown Jewels was death back in the day, it wasn't just cunning, it was very brave. And completely stupid.
The Crown Jewels are kept in the Tower of London. It's basically a fortress and heavily guarded. Thomas Blood's plan was simple: make friends with the Master of the Jewel house, promise to wed his daughter to a fictional nephew, ask for a private showing of the Crown Jewels, then bash him over the head with a mallet.
And just for extra kicks, as it's better to be safe than sorry, they tied him up with rope and gagged him.
Oh, they also stabbed him.
See, if you're going to steal the Crown Jewels, you have to go that extra mile.
The next step was even simpler. Use the mallet to flatten the crown, a file to saw the Royal Sceptre into two pieces, and then shove the Sovereign's Orb down your trousers, before walking out.
Probably not easy walking with an orb shoved between your butt cheeks. And that's where it all went wrong. The alarm was raised and Thomas Blood and his gang were discovered.
They tried to flee, shooting at the Warders, although missing with every shot. The Iron Gate was lowered and they were captured.
Thomas Blood declared upon his capture, "It was a gallant attempt, however unsuccessful. It was for a crown."
Blood was granted an audience with the king after his capture. For unknown reasons, the king decided to pardon him. There are many rumours, with some believing the king had planned the robbery himself. Others say that the king had a soft spot for devious scoundrels who had a cunning plan. We'll never know.
Colonel Thomas Blood did end up in prison after a dispute with the Duke of Buckingham. Not long after his release, he fell into a coma and died on August 24th, 1680.
His epitaph reads:
Here lies the man who boldly hath run through
More villainies than England ever knew,
And ne'er to any friend he had was true.
Here let him then by all unpitied lie,
And let's rejoice his time was come to die.

Tuesday, 23 August 2016

History Facts - August 23rd

On the 23rd August, 30 BC, the first Roman Emperor, Octavian, who later became know as Augustus Caesar, decided to take out his frustrations on a sock.
However, when this didn't relieve the tension, he invaded Egypt and captured Marcus Antonius Antyllus, who had a very famous father.
Nope, it wasn't Darth Vader. It was, in fact, the one and only Marc Anthony.
Marcus Antonius Antyllus had been sent to Octavian as a peace envoy. With memories of the disappointing sock still fresh in his mind, it was all Octavian could do to not kill him where he stood. Instead, the Emperor dismissed the boy, kept the money and plotted his revenge on the one true Marc Anthony, and his wife, Cleopatra.
He got quite miffed when he found out Marc Anthony and Cleopatra had committed suicide before they could be captured. But, as it happens, and as luck would have it, the son of the Marc, often called dipstick by his friends, was seen hugging a statue of the God Julius. Well, that was what he said he was doing. The gyrating was merely a form of ritual prayer.
Octavian took him prisoner, explained he should have used a sock like any normal pervert, and then had him executed for having the same name as his father.
It's just not fair, oh,
Also on the 23rd of August, in the year 30 BC (which stands for Bourbon Creams), Octavian, not content with one execution, decided to kill another son of a famous Roman General.
Later that day it was Caesarion, king of Egypt, and the only child of Julius Caesar and Cleopatra, who would suffer the wrath of the future Augustus Caesar.
All this was basically done to secure his position as Emperor of Rome. He didn't want any other claimants popping up and taking what wasn't rightfully his.

Monday, 22 August 2016

History Fact August 22nd - King Richard III special

History Fact - August 22nd
On This Day In History in 1485, King Richard III of England was killed by Henry Tudor at the Battle of Bosworth Field.
Fun Fact: Richard III was the last English King to die in battle.
He died at the battle of Bosworth Field in 1485 after a series of serious but subtle, although very aggressive and devastatingly, devastating blows to his head.
In fact, he had 11 wounds in total, 8 of them to the head.
He died after his prized white hedgehog, which he rode into the Battle of Bosworth Field, screaming, "Treason," got stuck in the mud.
Probably should have used a horse.
As King Richard-The-Turd charged at Henry Tudor waving his Lightsaber (they were fighting a war over the correct colour of a rose), Richard got struck down by a large object to the back of his head. Possibly an air-to-king missile. We'll never know for certain.
Henry-I'm-About-To-Be-The-Seventh-Tudor, who was riding a Giant Panda, actually came to within a sword's length of being struck down by the Sith Lord, Darth Richard-Will-Get-A-Third-Off-His-Parking-Ticket-If-He-Pays-Within-Seven-Days.
The barmy Richard was a pretty good soldier and fighter. He had all ready cut down more than a dozen-million of Henry's men to reach his replacement. That's when a blow to the head put an end to his reign, and his Yorkshire Terrier/White Hedgehog breeding program.
Now, if Richard-Needs-Some-Aspirin had been wearing a helmet instead of his crown (what a show off) then he may have been victorious that day and William Shakespeare would never have dreamed of ridiculing the poor guy.
Buried where he fell. And didn't pay for parking.
Richard-The-Third-Time-I'm-Buried-Is-The-Last was found in a Leicester car park in September 2012, begging for spare change and asking people to sign a petition banning any play written by William Shakespeare.
For many years, historians and archaeologists were keen to find the Church of the Grey Friars, where it was rumoured Richard III was buried. When they finally found a skeleton and an unpaid parking ticket, they rejoiced.
They finally had a tourist attraction in Leicester that people would actually want to come and see. He was buried, then dug up and reburied (and buried again), being shoved in so tight that king aint getting out, no matter how loud those Yorkists moan.
He was buried in an almost lavish an regal ceremony attended by the Archbishop of Canterbury at Leicester Cathedral.

Monday, 15 August 2016

History Fact August 15th

History Fact - August 15th

On This Day in History in 423, Emperor of the Western Roman Empire, Honorius, died of Edema.

He wasn't the worst of the Roman Emperor's, although he wasn't a particularly good one. During his reign he witnessed the Sack of Rome by the Visigoths. It was the first time Rome had been Sacked in over 800 years.

When Honorius was informed that Rome had perished, by one of his eunuchs who was also keeper of the poultry, the Emperor sank to his knees and cried. He whimpered, "And yet it has just eaten from my hands."

The Eunuch replied, "... the friggin' heck are you talking about?"

The Eunuch then realised that, unlike the eunuch, the Emperor had a very large cock.

His favourite chicken was named Roma, after the great city itself. The Eunuch informed the Emperor Honorius of his mistaken confusion, and told him it was the city that had perished, not the chicken.

Honorius breathed a huge sigh of relief. His cock was safe, if not his not-so-precious city of Rome. Now to go rub it for some comfort.

Sunday, 14 August 2016

History Fact for August 14th

History Fact - August 14th
On This Day In History in 1040, King Duncan of Scotland (1st of his name) was killed in battle by the forces of Macbeth.
This is a prime example of not believing everything you read.
William Shakespeare would have you believe that Duncan was an old King and was killed in his sleep by his cousin, Macbeth.
In reality, Duncan was around 39-years-old when he marched into Moray with his army to settle a little tiff. Something about the best way to cook a battered mars bar.
The battle didn't go well for King Duncan and Moray's men sliced him up with swords made of Lego bricks which had been specially sharpened on the teeth of baby hedgehogs.

Saturday, 6 August 2016

History Fact August 6th

History Fact - August 6th
On This Day In History in 1504, Matthew Parker, who was the archbishop of Canterbury, was born.
Not entirely interesting in itself. However, Matthew Parker had an extremely long nose and was seen as a very inquisitive person, taking an interest in all church matters, even when they didn't concern him.
And that's where the phrase "Nosey Parker" comes from - Matthew Parker's nickname.
On This Day In History, August 6th 2012, NASA's Mars Curiosity Rover landed on the surface of Mars. Mainly because it'd be a stupid thing to call the Rover if it was intended to land on Pluto.
Interesting Fact: Every August 6th, the Curiosity Rover sings itself Happy Birthday.
All alone, with no friends, singing itself Happy Birthday, is basically what my birthdays are like.