Saturday, 23 April 2016

Saint George and the Dragon

The Myth and the Legends: St George and the Dragon

St George slayed a dragon.
Well, that's the myth about St George, but can we really believe he was able to take down a dragon? Dragons are too awesome to be taken down by a bloke with a really tiny sword. Yes, St George had a really tiny sword. All the girls said so.
There are two stories surrounding the myth of St George and the Dragon.
Story One:
George took an all inclusive booze-cruise to Silene, Libya. Whilst there, he discovered there was a lake, within which a mighty dragon resided.
Apparently the dragon was annoying the locals with renditions of various Cliff Richard songs. Or, you know, eating people.
To appease the dragon, the locals fed it sheep. Then they fed it their children.
Perhaps there should have been another stage between sheep and children. Oh, I dunno, perhaps cows. Or goats. Maybe chickens or pigs. Throw in a curry or ice cream on occasion. And then get to sacrificing children. Bunch of amateurs.
After the first 50 or so children had been sacrificed, it was the King's daughter who was on the menu.
The king, desperate to save his daughter, told his people they could have all his gold and half his kingdom if someone else was picked for the sacrifice.
They told him to get lost.
The daughter headed out to the lake and waited for the dragon to come along and gobble her up.
As by chance, a knight by the name of George rode by and saw the princess. She told him to flee, the dragon was coming. He didn't. He wanted to watch. The sicko.
The dragon appeared from the lake and not-yet-a-saint-George made the sign of the cross. It didn't work. It's a dragon, you idiot, not a vampire.
George then charged the dragon on horseback poking it with his lance. This wounded the dragon. Not content with wounding, George asked the princess for her girdle. What-A-Pervert.
But, nope, he wanted the girdle for something else. He had a plan.
He placed the girdle around the dragon's neck and for some reason the dragon followed the princess and George back to the village, like a meek beast on a leash. Because, well, that's how it's done apparently.
George, forever a git, allowed the dragon to terrorize the populace for a bit. You see, he had a plan. A sick-twisted little plan because he was a git.
George offered to kill the dragon if the king and his subjects all converted to Christianity and consented to be baptised.
The king and the villagers all agreed, and all 15,000 became Christians.
George killed the dragon, had a barbeque, and the king built a church to the Blessed Virgin Mary and St George on the site where George finally slayed the dragon.
Oh, it's not over.
Upon the site where the dragon was unjustly murdered, a spring erupted from the altar with water that cured all disease.
Story Two:
By land and sea and the Starship Enterprise, George the knight of the nose-keeps-growing-everytime-he-spoke travelled to Libya.
He met a poor hermit, who George was about to kick, as no puppies were around, when the hermit told him of a village and a lake where a mighty Dragon lived.
Curious George was intrigued about this dragon which had demanded the sacrifice of pretty maidens, and travelled to this village and lake to see for himself.
When he arrived, he was told all the single ladies had been eaten. Only one remained. The princess.
The king offered the passing knight the hand of his daughter. Not as in "chop it off and here's a hand." But as in marriage. Come on, the king wasn't a psycho. All George had to do was save her from the dragon.
Seeing that he could finally get his end away with something other than his rather annoyed horse, George agreed to go save the princess.
The dragon eye-spied him and flew from his cave, all angry and grrrrrr. His roar was louder than thunder. Thunder. THUNDERCATS HOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooo.
St George wasn't, as some would be, afraid, or in fact, petrified. Thinking I could live without you by my side. He plunged his spear into the dragon. It made the Dragon's eyes water. That was unexpected. George realised his error, removed his spear, pulled up his pants, picked up his lance, and stabbed the dragon.
Dragon scales are hard, much like George's spear. But George's lance shattered into a thousand pieces. Yes, a thousand, someone counted.
There was some brief back and forth with George being sprayed with venom, crawling under an enchanted orange tree to recover and regain his strength, before George pulled out his sword.
He stabbed the dragon under his wing and the dragon fell dead at his feet.

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