31st of August - On This Day In History

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY - 31st of AUGUST

 

31st of August, 1422, King Henry V of England, the second king from the House of Lancaster, died of Something-Wrong-With-Me-Poops and That-Curry-Has-Some-Serious-Consequences.

 

This left his son, Henry VI, free to claim the throne. He demanded all bow down to him as supreme ruler of the milky-milky-sucky-nipple people.

 

What?

 

Henry VI was only 9-months-old when he became king.

 

31st of August 1803, Lewis and Clark began their most famous of expeditions to the west when they left Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

 

It would take the entire journey, and more than a few coincidences, before Lewis found out that Clark had a secret identity.

 

31st August, 1888, Mary Ann Nichols is murdered. Although never proved, the common consensus is that she was killed by a secret society of aliens who had been living in London for the last three hundred years.

 

Nah, Mary Ann Nichols was brutally murdered and it is thought she was the first victim of the infamous Jack the Ripper.

 

31st of August, 1997, Diana, Princess of Wales, was brutally murdered by the dashboard of a car whilst on a field trip to Paris to secure the distribution rights for her now famous Crocodile Tears perfume.

 

It was a true rags to riches story for Diana.

 

She was born into a poor family who had to scrimp and save for the essentials of life such as toilet paper, but mainly went without as money was tight. Instead, more often than not, Diana had no choice but to wipe her bottom on cigarette butts that had been thrown at her by uncaring passers-by as she begged for scraps of food.

 

Diana made a wish upon a star, and when that didn't work, she did the rounds, rubbing Genies for a bit of extra cash. Until one day, her wish came true. She met a dashing young man that she would soon marry.

 

However, that dashing young man soon found out she was deranged and kicked her in the dangly-fun-sacks, as she also had male reproduction organs, as well as those of a female, plus those of a hairy polar bear.

 

Another young man, this time not so dashing, and actually not that young, took pity on her and made her a princess, a Princess of Wales, and dolphins.

 

They married and lived happily ever after. Until she bravely spoke out and escaped the misery of the life of splendour and glamour and privilege she had married into.

 

It was at that point the Royal family sent a team of monkey assassins to take her out. Or, did they? Yes. Yes, they did. Monkey Assassins. They're real.