Historical Fun

1. Donkeys are herbivores and the smallest member of the horse family. Don't bring that up if you're having a beer after work, though. Much like Tom Cruise, they are very sensitive to any mention of their size. Or lack of it. And they weren't always vege-eaters, either. Nope. Two hundred million years ago they had a lust for blood and meat. They roamed the deserts of Africa hunting prey, killing them and ripping out their hearts with a spoon, before lathering themselves up in blood, praying to the donkey god "Kong", and then cooking large slabs of meat on a barbeque. 2. Donkeys have large ears. Much larger, in contrast, to that of a horse. And you know what they say about a donkey with large ears? They originally come from the African desert, so it helps to cool them down more. They actually have rather smaller fun-sticks than their larger horsey cousins. And the large ears are not just there to switch...

Yesterday's blog post about William the Conqueror was longer than anticipated, and I cut a lot out before posting it to the blog. For example, before editing, the post was a lot ruder. There was one particular word that kept popping up over and over again. Not sure why? But I soon realised less is more. You may have guessed the word in question. Needless to say, it's used a lot below. Plus, I took out all mentions of monkey prostitutes. So, here are a few of the outtakes that didn't make it. A lesson in knowing what to include in your final product, and what to extract. What's in a name? A conversation with William the Bastard (aged 5) and his father, Robert the Magnificent. William the Bastard :  Daddy, why do the other kids call me William the Bastard? Robert the Magnificent :  Well, Son, you stole your best friend's bike, pulled the hair of that girl you like, and punched the classroom tortoise in the face. What do you expect? You're a complete ...

1. William the Conqueror is also known as King William I (Borg designation: first of four).   But, here’s something you may not have known, before that, he was called William the Bastard. Yes, William was a bastard. Not only in the "Your Mummy not married to your Daddy" kind of way, as his father was the Duke of Normandy and his mother was the unmarried hussy daughter of a bloke who played with dead bodies, but also in the "You’re a complete and utter..." type of way.   Mainly because he invaded England. Sheesh, what a complete and utter....     2. William-The-Conker-Player invaded England in 1066 with his Norman army, which has since become known as the Norman Invasion. Yep, he invaded England with an army made up entirely of people called, "Norman." Now, most Brits think he did this just because he was a complete and utter ... bad man. However, he actually had a claim to the English throne. Edward the Confessor, who was Willia...

1. ROOOOOAAAAAAAAAAR! Lions roar to communicate their position to other prides (as most refuse to buy a mobile phone. Although there are some fanatical lions that will queue outside an Apple shop for six days for the latest iPhone. Completely nuts if you ask me. Although, as they're lions, you'd think they would have no problems jumping the queue). And, did you know, a lion's roar is so loud it can be heard 4-5 miles away? Much like my grandmother's shouts for me to come inside for dinner when I was only in the back garden. 2. Lions are lazy as heck. They can spend upwards of 20 hours a day sleeping, or relaxing with some popcorn watching the latest episodes of Game of Thrones and NCIS. Most of their activity, all 4 hours of it, is done at night when they have to walk to the local take-away and off-licence for food and beer. This is mostly at night as Lions have no sweat glands and prefer the cooler n...

1. Star Trek was created by Gene Roddenberry and first aired in the United States in 1966. At the time, it wasn't greatly popular, and it was expensive to make, so the studio cancelled it after only 3 seasons. It was brought back in 1979 for one of the worst Star Trek movies ever to be made. The actual worst Star Trek Movie is, of course, Star Trek 5, The Final Frontier. It was directed by William-My-Captain-My-Captain-Shatner, which kinda explains why it was rubbish. Sorry, Just had to get that off my chest. Back to the Spock fact: NBC, the studio which made Star Trek, actually told its creator, Gene Roddenberry, to get rid of the pointy-eared guy. Roddenberry refused and the pointy-eared guy became the icon we know as Spock. 2. The Vulcan hand gesture made famous by Spock, used as a greeting much like humans would shake hands, and also whenever Spock said, "Live long and prosper," or, "Have you seen my ...

1. The 1st of March is known to whales, oops, I meant known in Wales, as St David's Day. He is the patron saint of Wales, and dolphins, and squids. Oh, and hedgehogs. It's celebrated today as today is the day he died, at over 100 years old. Considering this is back in 589, that is very impressive. His last words to his followers were, " Bydwch lawen a chedwch ych ffyd a'ch cret, a gwnewch y petheu bychein a glywyssawch ac a welsawch gennyf i. A mynheu a gerdaf y fford yd aeth an tadeu idi ", which translates as "Hallowed are the bacon sandwiches."* 2. Most of the selfies taken by St David on his iPhone have him standing with a dove on his shoulder whilst standing on a hill. This is because of the miracle he performed. Yep, he's a saint, and saints have to perform miracles. Or, magic, as it's commonly known. (Hmm, is Harry Potter in line to become a saint?) Anyways, St David stood on a gentle slope and, piff-paff-poof, abracadabra,...

1. Polar bears have black skin, and their hair isn't white, it's transparent. The hair appears white because of a daily routine of hair-dying at the local barber shop. Or something to do with light refraction. 2. Polar bears are the largest carnivores that live on land. Although they mainly eat seals, they are also partial to a nice chicken korma or a pepperoni pizza. And, given the chance, a tiger, which they could kill with one swipe of their massive paws. Mmm, pepperoni and tiger pizza, very tasty. 3. Polar bears have an excellent sense of smell. They can detect the scent of a seal up to 1.6km away, and the whiff of an eggy-fart, and precisely who-did-it, from across a crowded classroom. And don't even try telling a polar bear, "You smelt it, you dealt it." That leads to one very angry polar bear. 4. Polar bears are great swimmers and spend most of their time at sea chasing seals (to eat, not in a game of tag). Every four years, though, they...