Easter Traditions - Part Four

Scoppio del Carro or Explosion of the Cart
Ever wondered about starting a tradition where you strap a rocket to a dove and shoot it along a wire into a cart that explodes? You have? Psycho.


As it turns out, you don't need to wonder. In Florence, they actually did it. Yep, not kidding. On Easter Sunday, a herd of oxen sprinkled with flowers and herbs, probably for the barbeque afterwards, pull an antique cart that is three-stories high from Porta al Prato to the Piazza del Duomo. The cart is escorted by soldiers, musicians, a flock of people dressed like they've been ejected from the 15th century, which is where this tradition began, and a chef specialising in oxen barbeques.


A fire -- Fire ... FIRE ... we're all gonna end up on fire -- is started by rubbing some ancient flints together, which is used to light a candle, which is then used to light some coals, which is then placed in the cart for its journey to the cathedral. I can't think of one possible safety reason as to why you shouldn't place the red-hot coals on that cart. Not one.


Speaking of the cart, it comes pre-loaded with fireworks. Lots and lots of fireworks. And twenty seven combustible hedgehogs. Once the cart arrives at the cathedral, the oxen, which are no longer needed, are stapled to its sides, and sprinkled with some more herbs and a bit of seasoning.


Here comes the favourite part, you sicko. A wire is strung from within the cathedral and tied to the cart outside. Then a rocket is strapped to a dove*, the dove to the wire, and step back and watch that sucker go.


If all goes well, there will be a good harvest. If all doesn't go well ... better be able to GET THE HELL OUT OF ... Oh, nuts, I'm on fire.


(*mechanical)


Smigus-Dyngus or Dyngus Day
Basically, boys chuck water over girls and then spank them. Yep, it sounds weird, but it's true. In Poland their Easter tradition involves boys sneaking into a girl's home at the break of dawn on Easter Monday. Can't see anything dodgy so far. Then up to the girl's bedroom. Nope, still nothing wrong with that. And then they throw buckets of water over the girls whilst she is still in her bed. Pretty sure that's still okay. But, then it gets perverted. The boy will say a rhyme. A Rhyme? What the...? What kind of sick son of a.... would recite a rhyme to a girl?


The traditional rhyme goes, "Dyngus, dyngus, po dwa jaja; nie chce chleba tylko jaja." This translates as, "I can see your nipples." Nah, only kidding. It actually means, "Dyngus, dyngus, for two eggs; I don't want bread but eggs." And a nice pair of eggs they are.


Once the boy has emptied his bucket over the girl (of water-The bucket of water), the screaming girl is carried out of her house and dragged to the local river or lake, usually still in her bed, before both bed and girl are thrown into the water. Attractive girls can expect this repeated throughout the day.


As if waterboarding girls wasn't enough, the boys would obtain pussy willows from the local dealer, take them to the church to be blessed by priests, and then use them to whip and spank the girls. Because that's how you show a girl you like them - drenching and spanking.


However, it's all okay, as the following day the girls get to do it to the boys. I seriously need to move to Poland. Or, in fact, the Czech Republic or Slovakia, as they have similar traditions.


We will finish our Easter Traditions on a high
In Bermuda it's traditional to force children into slave labour by getting them to make kites, the more colourful, the better. And to then fly them. Up to the highest heights. And send it souring. Up through the atmosphere. Up where the air is ... Oh, you get the idea. It's to commemorate Jesus ascending to heaven - as high as a kite.