Saturday 11th April - 1960
Reports are just coming in that Jeremy Clarkson has just been born. He sped out of his mother at over 90 miles an hour before performing a handbrake turn and proclaiming his mother's womb the warmest and most comfortable womb ... in the worrrrld. A few minutes later he found out they weren't going to serve him any hot food and promptly punched the midwife in the face.
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Sunday 12th April - 1945
The American President is dead. It has just been announced that the second most famous Roosevelt, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, has died at the age of 63. He was only 3 months into his 4th term of office as President and has been replaced by the Vice-President, Harry Truman. Franklin D. Roosevelt has consistently been rated in the top 3 of American Presidents, along with President Martin Sheen, who had a seven year term in the West Wing of the White House, and Morgan Freeman who head butted an asteroid. David Palmer, friend of Jack Bauer, tends to always come fourth.
Monday 13th April - 1970
This morning aliens attacked the Apollo 13 spacecraft, rupturing an oxygen tank. It was the 7th manned mission in the American Apollo space program and was intended to land on the moon. Things started to go wrong when the number 13 kept popping up. Apollo 13 was launched at 13:13 two days before the 13th day of the ancient 13th month of Thirteenish. Coincidence? Me thinks not. If it weren't for the quick thinking of Tom Hanks and his crew, who had to survive with very little water and one Bacon, then the planned alien invasion would have destroyed the planet.
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Tuesday 14th April - 1471
The War of the Roses took an interesting twist today. Edward IV and his House of York won a decisive victory at the Battle of Barnet over the evil forces of Skeletor, Mwahahaha. Also known as Henry VI from the House of Lancaster. The battle raged for several hours with only two tea and scone breaks. Working conditions back then were awful. The soldiers fought in the fog, without Hi-Vis jackets, or a proper Health and Safety evaluation, bashing each other's skulls into pulp with fragrant and colourful flowers and giving each other nasty thorn scratches. Edward's victory sees him restored to the throne of England, which should last for the next 14 years.
Wednesday 15th April - 1865
Abraham Lincoln has been assassinated. The 16th President of these here United States of America was shot dead tonight by the actor John Wilkes Booth. Booth, a confederate sympathiser, was known to be an evil git who, as a kid, enjoyed kicking puppies. Abraham Lincoln, before becoming President of those there and all over here United States of America, four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie ago, was famous for giving the Gettysburg Address, endorsing the killing of vampires, something he was passionate about in his youth.
Thursday 16th April - 1319
John II, the future King of France, was born today. Instead of being fed breast milk, his mother raised him on a diet of frogs legs and snails. This may account for what happened after he was captured and imprisoned by the English. During his captivity, France suffered. And it suffered a lot. Not least with the Black Death, which eliminated half the population. King John (which really doesn't sound very French if you ask me), enjoyed a regal lifestyle as a prisoner in London. He was given the freedom to travel and was even allowed to buy his own horses, pets, clothes, and was fed five course banquets at every mealtime. He even had his own astrologer and court band. For those who follow this blog, you'll know I deliberately exaggerate stuff for humour. However, that was all true. No exaggeration at all. His people starved and died by the tens-of-thousands, but he partied until the early hours of the morning. And then slept all day. The prison system hasn't really changed much in England since that time.
King John II was released to find money for his ransom and returned to France for the funds. Upon seeing the state of the country, he decided to return to captivity in England, where he lived in a lavish lifestyle until his death a few months later.
Friday 17th April - 1973
George Lucas begins writing Star Wars. It was a simple story: Boy lives a boring life with Aunt and Uncle. Boy meets droid. Boy falls in love with droid. Pushes his buttons. Cleans his insides. Droid tries to communicate his reservations about this level of contact, but can only manage some beeps. The beeps get quicker. Boy tinkers some more. Droid ejaculates a hologram of a pretty woman. Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're our only hope. Droid is embarrassed. This has never happened before. It panics and escapes. Boy chases droid. Whilst he's away not fixing the generators like he'd been asked to do, Boy's Aunt and Uncle get killed. Boy captures droid. Then Boy meets old man. Boy is groomed by old man. Would you like to see my lightsaber? Whoosh it around a bit? Yep, a bit more. Here, put my helmet on your head and swing your lightsaber around. Yep, just like that. Trust in the Force, Luke. Feels good, doesn't it? Now you're ready to know the truth. You kissed your sister, you sicko. And if Boy liked it, he should've put a ring on it. Boy finds out his father is an asthmatic psychopath. Boy kills father. The End.
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