Fun Facts About the Marriages of Philip II of France
On This Day, 1st of November, 1179, Philip II is crowned King of France.
He managed to bring all of France together and made the country prosper again. However, he had a heck of time with his wives. He's basically the Henry VIII of the French.
His first wife, Isabella of Hainaut died in childbirth. Philip, not perturbed, married again.
Despite her green complexion and an unfortunate habit of declaring "You will be assimilated," she was described as being very kind, young of age but old of wisdom.
However, King Philip found her off-putting. One can only imagine it was due to the placement of certain tubules and nanobots, which he found uncomfortable, during the mating process.
Philip refused to Crown her Queen and asked Pope Celestine III for an annulment on the grounds of "Me-Didn't-Bang-That-Ugly-Borg". Philip then shipped her off and imprisoned her in a convent.
Isa-Borg-Queen-Even-If-Me-Not-Crowned insisted the marriage had been consummated and that Philip had a really tiny fun-stick, chopping off three quarters of her little finger and waggling it around, as if to prove the point. Don't worry, she's a Borg Queen, it grew back. Unlike Philip's teeny-weeny.
As the insults and home truths carried on, Philip sought a new bride. But, as the new bride-to-be, Margaret of Geneva, daughter of William-I-Am-Count-Of-Geneva, made her way to Paris for the nuptials, she was kidnapped by Thomas-I-Am-A-Git-Of-Savoy, who married her instead and porked the living daylights out of her to make sure it was a recognised, consummated bonding.
Philip was annoyed. Everyone kept saying he was still married to I-Borged-A-King-And-I-Liked-It. Even the Pope. But Philip was not put off. Not put off by marrying again, but still put off by Borging his Un-Crowned Queen.
On the 7th of May 1196, he married Agnes of Merania from Dalmatia. That's apparently not a made up place. It's where they let the dogs out. All one hundred and one of them.
They had a couple of sprogs and lived happily ever after.
Well, not quite. Philip Innocent III declared their marriage null and void as he was still married to the Borg Queen. The Pope ordered Philip to part ways from Agnes and to slap her with a wet kipper to make the consummation invalid. Pretty sure that's how it was done back then, even if they'd all ready had kids.
Philip ignored the Pope and the Pope went angry-mad-vexed and vexed the heck out of Philip by placing all of France under an interdict in 1199. Luckily, no one had any idea what that actually meant.
The following year, under a lot of pressure trying to understand the word "interdict", which had nothing to do with his teeny-weeny, and from threats from Ingeborg's brother, King Valdemar II of Denmark, the Dark Lord who almost killed Harry Potter, Philip finally took I-Am-Going-To-Borg-My-Vengeance-On-Your-Arse back as his wife in 1213.
And they lived happily ever after. Although Philip never sat right on his throne after that.
1 comment:
What an unlucky guy, for a king!
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