5 Fun Facts About Chameleons
1. A chameleon is a type of lizard. They range in size from a teeny-tiny-itsy-bitsy 0.6 inches, and can fit on the tip of your finger (ooh, finger buffet), to the size of an elephant. Although those ones haven't been around for millions of years. Not since Jamie Oliver ate them all into extinction. Pukka. Nowadays the biggest chameleons tend to be around 30 inches. And that doesn't include the length of its tongue. That sticky gloop of squishy stuff can grow to twice the size of its body and is shot out of its mouth at a staggering billion trillion miles an hour. It can blow some very impressive raspberries, and can catch insects in mid-air before they know what disgusting sticky-ooze filled suction cup has captured them.
2. Almost half of all known species of chameleon (and there are about 160 different species) live on the island of Madagascar. A few live on cruise ships taking dance lessons and making the most of the all-you-can-eat buffet. The rest are scattered around the world in Africa, southern Europe, Sri Lanka and south Asia. They prefer to live in forests and are specifically adapted to movement through trees. But the ones that have migrated to England have been able to claim asylum and are now living in a tax-payer funded council house, claiming benefits, smoking 50 cigarettes a day and drinking a bottle and half of whiskey to get into the mood. They are also horrendous queue jumpers. A capital crime in rural England.
3. Chameleons have tiny feet. And they look so darned cute. Couldn't you just eat them? Err, nope. You don't eat them. Leave their poor cute feet alone, Sicko. Their toes are split into two groups of 2/3 toes which help them grab branches and achieve stability when walking, slowly, oh very slowly. They walk slower than a 90-year-old after a bottle and a half of whiskey. Get out of the way grandpa, hedgehog on a pogo stick coming through. And much like a 90-year-old whiskey-filled pensioner, the chameleon will use its tail to grab hold of a branch to make sure it doesn't fall off. It's true. Come on, you've never seen a pensioner fall out of a tree, have you? Nope. It's because of their tails.
4. A Chameleon's eyes are on the sides of their heads and can move independently of each other. They have a field of vision of 360 degrees, unlike that of a human teenager which has a field of vision focused totally on their smart phones. The chameleon's eyes can also look in two different directions at the same time, which makes them pretty good at pretending to read a magazine on a beach whilst actually looking at bikini-clad women. Bunch of perverts.
5. If you happen to have a pet chameleon, and find it's pretty aggressive, then you should change its name to Boy George. You'll end up with a much calmer chameleon.
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