Thursday, 29 October 2015

29th of October - ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY

On This Day, October 29th, in 1960, Jack Reacher was born.
And don't you friggin forget it. Celebrate. NOW.
Image result for Jack Reacher

#OnThisDay in 1960, Jack Reacher crowbarred his way out of his mother and kicked ten sorts of crap out of everyone.

Monday, 26 October 2015


Image result for george iiiON THIS DAY IN HISTORY FACTS -- 26th OCTOBER
On the 26th of October, 1775, King George III of Great Britain, the nutso-crazy-bonkers king, went before the British Parliament and declared the American colonies in rebellion, authorizing a military response to destroy the American Revolution.
Not if being crazy, nutso, bonkers and declaring war on the Colony were connected, but it's possible.
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On the 26th of October, 1776, Benjamin Franklin left for a nice holiday in France. Not, of course, to try and get French support for the American Revolution. He just liked croissants and frogs legs. Also, the wine. Oh, boy, did he like the wine.
On the 26th of October, 1881, in a little place called Tombstone in Arizona, the Gunfight at the O.K. Corral raged, killing three ducks and a turkey.
Image result for house of lordsOn the 26th of October, 1999, Britain's House of Lords voted to end the right of hereditary peers to vote in Parliament. It was around the same time the smell of urine disappeared from the House of Lords. Not sure if that's a coincidence.


On the 27th of October, 939, Ethelstan, who most modern day historians acknowledge as the first King of England, died.
Image result for teddy bears killedOn the 27th October, 1858, Theodore Roosevelt was born. He would later become an American Colonel and, of course, the 26th President of the United States of America.
But his most famous achievement was winning the costly war of the Cuddly Toy Revolution. It's an almost forgotten part of American history. Started by a small fluffy bear, the war escalated until Theodore Roosevelt took direct control of the American forces and utterly destroyed the Cuddly Toy Revolution, which led to the subjugation of all cuddly toys from them until all of eternity.
The cuddly teddy bears didn't count on the courage of Theodore Roosevelt, and his ability to venture into the woods in disguise. And, although Roosevelt got a surprise when he went down to the woods that day, he composed himself and massacred every last bear whilst they were eating quiche.
Thus, after that frightful and terrifying day, Roosevelt, as a badge of honour, was forever known as Teddy Roosevelt.

Image result for congressOn the 28th of October, 1919, the United States Congress, in their infinite wisdom, passed the Volstead Act, even though the American President, Woodrow Wilson, vetoed it.
This act paved the way for Prohibition to begin the following January. Of course, for those who don't know, Prohibition was the banning of Alcohol. Not a great day for, well, pretty much everyone. Because, as everyone knows, the three things humans need for survival and sanity are Alcohol, Bacon, and a decent WiFi signal.
Image result for pope chairOn the 28th of October, 1958, John XXIII was elected Pope of the Planet Earth.
Legend has it, that when a Pope is elected, he has to sit on a chair which has a hole in the centre, whilst wearing no under-crackers, so that his testicles dangle through the hole. The Cardinals then have to look up as he is carried through the hall to check they do, in fact, dangle.
This is due to the unfortunate election of Pope Joan, a woman, as Pope a thousand years ago, who went undiscovered until she gave birth to a child. Soon after, she was stoned to death in the streets, and forever after, the newly elected Pope must prove he has dingily-dangilies.


Coming soon. Probably the 29th of October. Yep, that sounds right.

Sunday, 25 October 2015

25th October - On This Day

Image result for king stephen of englandON THIS DAY IN HISTORY - 25th OCTOBER
On the 25th October, 1154,  King Stephen of England (yes, there was a King of England called Stephen, I didn't make that up), also known as Stephen of Blois, died of My-Belly-Hurts-Why-Did-I-Eat-That-Spicy-Curry.
He was the grandson of William the Conqueror and sister to Matilda, who he fought a civil war with during his reign for control of England. It was, however, far from civil, as Matilda kept calling Stephen names and even slapped him round the face with a wet kipper.
Image result for henry ii of englandOn the 25th October, 1154, Henry II became King of England after the death of King Stephen. No matter how many times I write King Stephen, it just doesn't seem right. But there really was a King of England called Stephen.
Anyways, Henry II was the son of Matilda, would-be Queen of England, and proclaimed herself as Queen of England, even though she wasn't, but actually was, during the turmoil of her brother's reign (King Stephen).
Image result for battle of agincourtOn the 25th October, 1415, King Henry V of England and his army, as he didn't do it on his own, although he did try, defeated the French (yes, all of them) at the Battle of Agincourt.
The French army was far larger than the English army. The French had up to 36,000 troops, and anywhere between 10,000 and 15,000 were killed.
The English army totalled about 9,000 and around 112 were killed.
Crikey Mr Spikey, that's a huge difference.
King Henry V of England actually took part in hand-to-hand combat, and even the odd bit of head-butting and shin-kicking. However, Charles VI, the French King at the time, was suffering from Me-Is-Big-Chicken syndrome and was therefore unable to personally fight.
Image result for gorilla dressed as bunny rabbitOn the 25th October, 1760, upon the death of his father, George II, who died, and was deaded on the same day, October 25, his son, George III, became King of England.
King George III of England is famed for suffering from Why-Is-There-A-Gorilla-Dressed-As-A-Bunny-Sitting-On-My-Throne syndrome.
Yep, crazy king George III was crazy-nuts-bonkers.
Although that doesn't answer the question: Why is there a gorilla dressed as a bunny rabbit sitting on my throne?
Oh, boy, that was a long day. Bring me some coffee.